The Melting Pot

As flesh melts to flesh, skin on skin…
I lose track of where you end, and I
begin.
I lose track of pretty or ugly…fat or thin.
I lose myself to you, over and over again.
As your lips trace my hips, and your kiss dips, my hand grips the sheets around me, tearing them to strips…
Because God it feels so good right here, right now, with you beside me, inside me, over and under me.
I can feel the beat of our racing hearts thundering…
As the lightning crashes down around us, electricity in the air,
My hands searching mercilessly through your tangled hair
As I start to lose control, as I teeter on the edge of the ledge away from the dredge of the confines of my mind
The ones I have always hid behind…
Building a wall, unable to fall,
Into the deepest pool of all,
Where the Goddess inside bathes and lives….
Within the water of life that gives and gives
The water that quenches the fire of man’s desire, that can crush or inspire, the heart of humanity
Those moments of losing control and finding our sanity.

The Father Daughter Dance Debacle

Lately Facebook has given me a peek into something I do not know. Friends often post pictures with their father, a birthday dinner or some other family occasion, but this post from a friend was a little different. It was a paper with a whole page of songs that her father had written down, name and artist, to choose from for their father daughter dance. A dance I do not think they shared, as he passed away. Witnessing the thought, diligence, and care put into this list brings tears to my eyes. Seeing the amount of love this man has for his daughter is incredible. The songs he chose were absolutely beautiful, and truly showed that he saw her as a precious gift from God that he was delighted to dance with. It moves me.

I will most likely walk down my own aisle alone, and I have learned to be content with that should the time ever come. I will not dance, but I will gratefully invite my, currently pretend, husband to please share a dance with his mother, to laugh, whisper memories, and the profound disbelief that she is giving her little boy to this woman because they both deserve it. We all deserve that dance. For some of us, it won’t happen. We may not have a father to do this for us. We may not even know what it is like to dance with our father. We may be strong in that moment knowing that we have done all we can for our highest good, and that dance, that walk, and that love simply were not meant for us. We may not be cherished by them, but we have learned to cherish ourselves. We have learned to accept the love we deserve, and we do our best to patch up the hole left behind.

I was afraid of that hole. I was willing to give up committing to a partner for life because I was afraid, not of marriage, but of disappointment. What if he didn’t show up? What if he doesn’t want to? What if she doesn’t want him to? What if it’s awkward? Should someone who doesn’t even know you give you away? What are they giving then? What do you say to each other while you’re dancing? All of these thoughts have absolutely nothing to do with choosing to love one person unconditionally for the rest of your life, but they clouded my view. Thankfully, knowing that there are such great men, such great fathers, gives me hope. My father has done many things for people. He is a helping hand to a lot of people. It has taken me a long time to realize, there is nothing I can do to make him choose to give me his time. He gives abundantly to whom he believes in, and that is to be respected. I respect him. I have just also learned to respect myself. I cannot expect someone who knows nothing about me to write a whole page of songs to dance with me, but that doesn’t make either one of us a lesser person. It is simply the life we are leading. I would be lying if I said it was not an almost daily decision not to cry or be angry about it anymore, to fully let it go, but I had two choices. I could spend the rest of my life reaching out to someone who doesn’t reach back or I could learn to patch up the hole.

I choose to cry happy tears when I see fathers and daughters happy and loving together. I choose to hope the heart of my lovely friend heals from losing the physical love of her lost parent. I choose to let the fact that this love exists, even if not for me, fill the hole. It is an unconditional and undying love. It is a gift. I hope you all cherish each moment with these men who see only love when they look at you. You are blessed more than I hope you ever know or find out.

Sanctuary, I mean January…

Here we are, January 1, 2015. Looking back is something I do my best not to do too much of these days, but I find myself thinking about something today. Coming into 2014, I was in such a different place. I had moved to a new city that was my old speed. I was thankful to be there again. Yet, I was fearful for my life. Having read all of the articles that said teeth could lead to death, heart disease, and so many other things I felt desperate to fix them. I felt like a failure for being unable to come right back up from my accident. I had no car, no money, and no hope to recover my health. So, I determined that I would become a dancer when I moved back here. I would be a scantily clad companion/therapist for lonely men and women. It would save me, I kept telling myself. Nobody can help you, but you. Nobody has to do anything for you. Nobody owes you anything. You are the only person who has a reason to pay for this. You have to find a way. I was using thought processes meant to encourage to beat my soul into submission. I let my ego run rampant. Fear and desperation almost always lead to acting from our mind, not our heart. The thing is, I spent most all of my savings getting here. It would literally break me to invest in this job. I did it anyway. I didn’t want to die is all I could think. I wanted to be in charge. I wanted to save myself. I told my friends, some family, and Mom because I wasn’t ashamed. I was trying to be brave. I was trying to sacrifice my soul to gain back what I lost in the physical. I will say when a doctor tells you, you have a ticking time bomb in your mouth, you can go a little crazy. I still made a very conscious decision. I found a place, and I went into audition. I was shaking, positively vibrating with nerves. I got through it as a true novice, and even managed to be accepted. I started that night. It only took three shifts for my body to fill with dread. Other women may be able to thrive in this environment, but that is not my story. Thankfully, a kindred spirit did her best to help me, and in the end, unintentionally saved me from continuing to make a mistake. I had to put the fear of death and disease down. I had to accept that I was not where I wanted to be. I had to believe I could find a better way. That was December. Entering 2014, I put my faith in God and myself. I had hair to do, babies to sit, and I could pay all my bills. I am coming up on two years since the crash, and living with these teeth and no car has changed my perception so much. They have taught me how to face insecurity. They have taught me how to live, and to let go of the burdens of that which cannot be changed. I am more considerate, less judgmental, and more understanding. For this, I am extremely grateful. When I look back, and I remember how convinced I was, I do my best to apply it to my understanding of perception. We see what we need to see to survive our psyche, to win the war with fear or submit to it. I know I am less fearful for everyday I live this way. I know I am stronger. I still worry occasionally, but I can put it down now. Sometimes, the hardest things, the dumbest things, and the saddest things are what foster the best in us. They force us to choose who we are, and what we are willing to accept. They are what allow us to be accepting and unconditionally loving. It is the darkness that allows the light to shine after all. Coming in to 2015, I know I am willing to do healthy and positive things to continue on this path, to let things come together at the right speed, and to look at life in the moment because life isn’t worth it if you are afraid to live it.

The Power of Self-Victimization

Some forms of ignorance simply cannot be swayed by facts. It is not our place to sway, but simply to continue to support life. If people feel victimized, we must leave them to their victimization for that is their reality. This is not to speak of the grief process accompanied by the affects of rape or assault, but intellectual and mental victimization of self. Until any human being recognizes that it is themselves alone that decide their fate, they are capable of delaying their own, and in that, humanity’s progress. Losing themselves in the idea that they are somehow owed something by someone who has nothing to do with the thing they feel victimized by.

To a person who has trapped themselves in the belief system that someone is against them, someone always will be because it is with the very belief that a person is seen as less than or that others believe them to be, that allows themselves to live a life creating that reality. A reality that in nature allows them to halt their own progress, live in fear and oppression, and expect others to somehow create the change that will fix all the problems that have been created. Only the individual person who sees and lives the problems can fix them. Only the individual person who believes they are owed a helping hand can help themselves. Should we all help each other up when we can? Of course, but compassion is not what this addresses. This is an appeal to personal individual accountability, a request to look beyond all that we see as wrong or different with everyone except ourselves, and to actually look within and find the greatness, power, and freedom that has been waiting there for anyone willing to let go of the constructs of entitlement, victimization, and fear.

True peace and the understanding of human equality waits within anyone willing to take down their own sense of what they are owed and move forward with a sense of all that can be had and achieved with positive intent, belief, and action/work to create it. We all face obstacles, challenges, violence, trauma, betrayal, and hardship regardless of any of the physical descriptions that encompass our spirit. We are challenged in our whole being to support and better ourselves as a whole, not because one part of us is a certain way. If we truly believe in what we deserve, focus on what we want to bring about, and leave behind the idea that we first must prove why we should have been handed the gold star first, we might actually move forward as a species beyond this idea that other people should change so that we can have what we want. We might realize that we are the only thing we can change to get what we want.

If we want to see things disappear we must stop talking them into existence. The more power we give to the things we do not want, the less power we have for what we actually long to create. Proponents for peace reflect peace in their lives. Proponents for ethical treatment of animal’s treat animals with the same compassion they have for humans, if not possibly more. Proponents for equality…..do they reflect a belief for equality in all? Do they represent humanity as a whole without reflecting a prejudice or oppression that is felt to exist only towards themselves?

This is where I believe we have somehow forgotten a step. If we truly want human equality, we should behave as equals. If we focus on what it is that any one sees as their plight, does that help to connect all of the people going through their own various hardship? If we came together with compassion for each other’s journeys, sharing with understanding that we all hurt, would we begin to see ourselves in each other? Would we begin to put down the idea that any one person is somehow more or less than another? If we shared our positives, ideas, victories, and personal desire to be better each day, would we feel more like an equal congregation representing consciousness, compassion, and true lasting understanding of oneness to create a world built on understanding and love? Would we even need to bring up equality if we simply lived it? Wouldn’t it just be something that is, like breathing, walking, working, loving, eating, or sleeping? We could all just understand that the person we see is a reflection of our own humanity, our struggle, and our desire to love and be loved.

No more and no less than everything and anything good or bad can happen to anyone regardless of their outside surroundings or perceptions. Why then do we somehow feel that it is “just us?” It never is, and we know that. How do we forget that every human being struggles and no one has a perfect life? Better yet, what can we do to remember who we really are? One great encompassing species of human’s doing their very best to live in a world that goes against the intrinsic desire to be loved, connected, and bonded to one another with respect for the freedom of choice. We are beings of love and light. We are comprised of more space than matter, as is all of our reality surrounding us.

We send out electromagnetic vibrations that we control through the heart, spirit, and mind. This is regardless of what makes up our body. We literally decide our lightness, or density. We decide what feelings we put out. If we give people the idea, we believe them to be superior, can we be angry with them for leading superior lives? We encouraged and believed they would do so. Each day, each moment, each breath we can create the reality we seek, or we can live in ignorance. Do not sway the ignorance, encourage the intentions of equality in peace. Leave behind the victims who cannot see that they are the help they first need, and move forward helping all you can on the path to their’s and your own highest good. Give of yourself, accept what serves, and walk away from that which does not.

Throwback to now.

It is amazing to me the knowledge we carry around, remember, and forget constantly. I wrote this two years ago, but it is true to my life even now. I have grown a lot in self love, confidence, and peace. Yet, it is still a message I needed to hear again.

When people have spoken to me about the merits of a clean conscience and all the meaning of it, I never did have any idea what they meant. I naturally tended to act of my own will and chose to believe that was not an unkindness to others. Ive done my best to not do wrong by anyone else. I did not include myself in that anthology, however. I chose to walk the right path, but always lead by other people. In the end finding myself wandering alone wondering how I could be so disconnected, so closed. What is it inside me? I’d always find that little voice thinking. How did that happen? Eventually I let myself reach a place of awareness. This place lead me to seeing that things didn’t just happen. I began to see that life is quilted together. The squares, the choices we and the people around us make. I began to feel a sense of power, the ability to be useful, important, to account for myself the choices I make. Now, I’d love to say that was it. After that, my life only went up, happily ever after, and all those easy outs. However, I have become so aware of that power, that independence. I find myself craving it like an addict. How do I control this? Push it down a little I thought. That voice in my head telling me I could just cheat a little on my clean eating. Forget about running for a few days, my muscles are achy and I’m not feeling well. Stay up a little later, watch tv this one time. Slowly all of the constraints of my former anxiety were hitting me. I found myself suffocating in a sea of justifications. Life can be stifling and I was bowing my head. Rebelling while kneeling compliantly to the throne. Tumultuous and fiery we could never actually agree on anything. Unless that is, the ridiculousness that was our relationship. So, the little voice, it’s popping up more and more with thoughts I’m not accepting, but I’m hearing it. I’m listening. When one is used to living low, it’s easy to fall down. It’s comfortably miserable there. Let’s face it. We’ve all been there before. Givng ourselves pep talks, thinking ourselves through life, and what does that all mean? Obviously, it’s a quick route to a lethargic lifestyle. That’s where I found myself today. Lethargic, empty, and lost. Thankfully, I read my body, watched the signal, felt my breath, and told the little voice to shut up. I’m back on my journey to lightness. I am going to push through. I can figure this out. I just need to be conscious. I need to live, be open, and stay conscious. Every moment is a chance to be loving. Is your heart open or closed?

The Fremont Street Experience

I did my best to close out the feelings before I could express them…isn’t that the way? Otherwise, I will have to walk fully through it. I had nightmares about this exact type of man, or more accurately men, my whole life. I was always running from a man attacking me in my dreams….running running running yet finding no destination. No place to call home because i have been running from my own immortal soul. Tonight when these men became a reality I have seen be immensely shattering, I knew this was the moment I broke the cycle. I would not be intimidated, I would say NO, I would not like you three “gentleman” to run a train on me. Thank God for security, fast feet, and bravery. Thank God for releasing me from my mental slavery. Tonight has been the biggest surprise I have had in a long time. I read aloud to strangers my own internal rhyme. I released my rhythm, released my flow. Let go of some fear so I can start to grow. I cried as I read my words…Thankfully, with grace. Because I knew I was showing more than my face. I was showing my heart, my soul, on a sidewalk in front of people I don’t even know, and even as the tears fell I could feel my heart swell because HERE I AM….me queen of stage fright releasing one of my most intimate poems. Freeing myself in the process. I went to downtown Las Vegas tonight and had….sparkling water! I will tell you though, it is like I knew. As I walked back from my Fremont Street experience, I could feel the awareness of being an unarmed woman, walking alone, and being vulnerable. PLUS, wearing flip flops (shin splints…ow.) However, I felt peace of mind. I knew I could be aware and keep going. So, as I neared the end of my “lonely” pilgrimage, I was feeling braver than ever. I knew well enough after they asked me if I was interested in a train, they probably were not really interested in my answer. My no, received a lower offer, and I stopped to quickly alert the lovely security officer nonchalantly. He did his best to hold them up, and I, keys in hand, heard the continuous whistles coming closer. As I got to my car, I didn’t even stop to breathe, straight into reverse. I am unwilling to be a victim. I am fiery. I have fight in me, a right to live, and dignity. So, the only trains I will be seeing are much larger and more suited for traveling. Someone called me brave last week at Mary Jane Falls. After tonight, I have to say I believe them.

It’s crazy to think how one moment, not even a second, one blip of the millions and billions of thoughts in a day can have such a profound impact. Whether it is self-doubt, anger, disappointment, anxiety, or thankfully for me, self-love. As I sit here today preparing to go and create beauty in the world with my craft, I closed my eyes and literally just thought over and over “Thank you, thank you, thank you…” Suddenly it hit me, that I really meant it from my soul, the core of my being.
Some people may be blessed enough to have always known that feeling. Still, others may be figuring out whether or not they know what that feeling really is. I was a person who didn’t know love. I didn’t understand, and of course I thought I did. I thought that I knew it all. I thought that I completely understood. I thought that life just happened, and that’s all there is. No more to see here folks, shows over. Yet even when I finally realized that wasn’t true, there was still so much work to do.
I was just beginning a journey, and while I am rising and still going through it, everyday I battle my “known.” That little voice of doubt, of destruction. The nay-sayer. Today, when I said thank you, and really felt it, I opened up to a place I am not sure I’ve ever known. I am thankful. Thankful everyday that I have been, am, and will be because truly no matter how much things change, people come and go, or we lose ourselves the act of being here is the gift of it all. Remembering that and keeping it in mind everyday, whether I was upset about other things or not, is teaching me to love. I am loving my life, this world, and all that is, it gets better. Thank you.

The Almond Joy of Life

My boundaries were forced open from my earliest memories. I was to be without closure, and to be open. It has been my destiny. I am an open book, a depiction, a stack of lessons, and tiny wisdoms. I am inside and outside of perception constantly within and without the confines of my mind.
I am a nut, but if I am to categorize myself, I am an almond or a cashew. One of those nutritious nuts that really gets you, and has plenty of glorious energy. You know what they say though, sometimes you feel like a nut. Sometimes, you don’t, and sometimes…I don’t feel like myself. Sometimes, I don’t know what I feel like or if I feel anything at all.
It is in these times we must remember our nutty behavior, our unique flavor. It is in these times that we must find what is within that makes us what we are.
We can talk for hours about all that we have been, could be, and hope not to be, but it is not until those hours are taken, those conversations muted, that we really get beyond our shell. It is then we go to the root, to the core, and embrace it all. Every fleck, groove, and solid thing that holds us to who we are.
That is when we feel the nuttiest of all.

Bye Facebook

I have so much to say and yet have no words.
So many variables in life its absurd.
What is that you heard? That I fly free like a bird?
More like chained to the earth grounded in discontent.
Unhappy with humanity lets escape to heaven sent let this mortality be spent forget about debt. No more bills no more rent.
Simply a consciousness, an awareness, a being.
Wouldn’t that be so entirely freeing? We could flow, float, and flee away from these binds of gravity.
Lets return to something heavenly.
An existence we know only in the minds eye, an existence that goes far beyond the bluest sky, an existence we know does not lie.
Does not judge, doesn’t not categorize.
Free of duality, this good and bad fantasy because it really all just is.
Yes it really is just now.
There is only perception to explain the how, the what, the where, and when.
Since when you really think about it, how did time begin?
What is this all anyway?
It’s only what we have all agreed to say,
That it is and its this and that’s all that there is.
Yet it could be so much more, it could be an open door, into the next horizon, into another crazy sky.
It could be there is no answer to the how when where and why.
Is that what heaven is?
An eternal bliss of knowing there’s no answer, of knowing there’s no secret,
That you simply agree to breathe and be it…
Whatever it is, that’s what we defined,
Inside our ever curious expanding mind
That is the essence the core the root the glory
The ever common part of this beautiful changing story.
So while humanity may cause grief, sorrow, and a bit of trouble…
We are coming away from all the rubble, the destruction, the lies.
Slowly but surely we are coming to realize there is more to life, than to judge and criticize.
We are embracing the notion of kindness and peace.
What a beautiful, sweet, heavenly release.

When You Are Tired of Being the Bigger Person

Most days, I do my best not to think about the things that cause me pain. We all do. It’s human nature, the process of avoiding it, is part of cognitive dissonance. It literally causes the brain pain to challenge thoughts and beliefs in your central nervous system. It also allows us to mirror to people that which we receive and perceive, as a way of hiding. It’s quite the beautiful discovery, cognitive dissonance. However, upon knowing of its existence, one can’t help but face it from time to time. Attempting to be the bigger person, more powerful than the brain which seeks what it knows as comfort.

For the majority of my life, I was one person. Hiding behind all of my insecurities, and believing broken was a state of permanence, something inescapable, binding me to my fears, anxieties, and lack of faith. I have since “suffered” a blow to that belief system, a conk on the head. I awakened in that moment. My frontal lobe, and a lot about me was changed. In one moment, I became a different person. I shed a skin. I realized, I am a creator. I am, and I choose what to put after those sacred words.

I had always thought being the bigger person was not showing your feelings. I thought it was a way of holding it all in. I thought it was about being strong enough to let others walk all over you, and being okay with it. I thought wrong. I believed myself to be insignificant compared to others, with dysfunction to the core…who wasn’t more put together than I?

Little did I know, the answer is that most people are not put together. We are puzzles, sent here with all the pieces, but with no idea what the full picture is going to look like. I have been struggling a lot with my anger lately. These pieces of the puzzle I have that don’t seem to fit, and which, I can’t stop looking at….even though they cause me pain.

I am facing the cognitive dissonance of moving outside being unwanted by your creator. I am facing the feeling of believing someday, this person, this “father” will fulfill the role which most are designed for. Before I began the journey to facing this, other people would say how they couldn’t believe him, how they hated him, how they didn’t understand, and how he is a total a$$hole, douche, or whatever name they felt fitting. I always allowed their anger, but never, my own. Sadness, anguish, confusion, and despair were my only feelings when it came to him. I wasn’t yet strong enough for anger.

Now, I find myself angry. I want to know what it is to be cared about, and to be seen by the person who has transcended his own brokenness. Maybe it’s the mirror cells, I think sometimes. Maybe it’s him, maybe it is you. Mostly, I think it’s me. Then I get lost in being the “bigger person.” “You just aren’t right for his life. You are just too painful to see. You just don’t fit his image. You just remind him of everything he failed at. You just don’t have the right appearance. You just aren’t right.” This has lead to a couple of pity parties, and a lot of self-deprecating behavior.

Today, I know enough to trust my feelings more than my thoughts. I wish beyond all I know, that was enough to stop them. Everyday, I work towards letting go of him. Everyday, I battle my thoughts that are negative about me when it comes to my thoughts about him. Everyday, I am stronger for my conscious awareness that I don’t want to feel that way anymore. We choose. We accept. We don’t always understand. I remind myself incessantly, I approve of myself. I approve of this message.

Most things I write, have a positive twist, I’m looking for one now. I believe the truth of the matter is, I get tired of this incessant cycle from time to time, but I can’t change it without accepting and moving forward. Something I am a warrior for everyday. Some days, I wonder about my strength to keep going, I feel so sad. Yet, I do keep going. Right now, I am facing a lot of insecurities as head on as anyone could, well, not want to, but I am. I am because this daily battle that has gone on for years subconsciously, and now, brought to light has made me a bigger person. It has allowed me to be consciously aware of that which is one of the core reasons for my inability to see me, myself.

I am worthy of love. I am worthy of care, and just because a person who is supposed to, doesn’t…Well, it doesn’t mean that I’m not here surrounded by those who do. A conk on the head can play a lot of games with your mind. It literally changes your brain, but it doesn’t change your heart. We beat our mind with our heart, and when we get tired of being the bigger person, it is not our brain that is aching, it’s our heart.

Thankfully, for every ache we can feel the gap, we can feel a bit more joy, and while there are days that seems impossible, there are more days now it seems it is. When you are tired of being the bigger person, stop thinking and start feeling. Find the root, and do your best to stay conscious of it.

As always thanks for listening. Just curious, what do you do when you are tired of shouldering the past?

Safe journeys.