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The Father Daughter Dance Debacle

Lately Facebook has given me a peek into something I do not know. Friends often post pictures with their father, a birthday dinner or some other family occasion, but this post from a friend was a little different. It was a paper with a whole page of songs that her father had written down, name and artist, to choose from for their father daughter dance. A dance I do not think they shared, as he passed away. Witnessing the thought, diligence, and care put into this list brings tears to my eyes. Seeing the amount of love this man has for his daughter is incredible. The songs he chose were absolutely beautiful, and truly showed that he saw her as a precious gift from God that he was delighted to dance with. It moves me.

I will most likely walk down my own aisle alone, and I have learned to be content with that should the time ever come. I will not dance, but I will gratefully invite my, currently pretend, husband to please share a dance with his mother, to laugh, whisper memories, and the profound disbelief that she is giving her little boy to this woman because they both deserve it. We all deserve that dance. For some of us, it won’t happen. We may not have a father to do this for us. We may not even know what it is like to dance with our father. We may be strong in that moment knowing that we have done all we can for our highest good, and that dance, that walk, and that love simply were not meant for us. We may not be cherished by them, but we have learned to cherish ourselves. We have learned to accept the love we deserve, and we do our best to patch up the hole left behind.

I was afraid of that hole. I was willing to give up committing to a partner for life because I was afraid, not of marriage, but of disappointment. What if he didn’t show up? What if he doesn’t want to? What if she doesn’t want him to? What if it’s awkward? Should someone who doesn’t even know you give you away? What are they giving then? What do you say to each other while you’re dancing? All of these thoughts have absolutely nothing to do with choosing to love one person unconditionally for the rest of your life, but they clouded my view. Thankfully, knowing that there are such great men, such great fathers, gives me hope. My father has done many things for people. He is a helping hand to a lot of people. It has taken me a long time to realize, there is nothing I can do to make him choose to give me his time. He gives abundantly to whom he believes in, and that is to be respected. I respect him. I have just also learned to respect myself. I cannot expect someone who knows nothing about me to write a whole page of songs to dance with me, but that doesn’t make either one of us a lesser person. It is simply the life we are leading. I would be lying if I said it was not an almost daily decision not to cry or be angry about it anymore, to fully let it go, but I had two choices. I could spend the rest of my life reaching out to someone who doesn’t reach back or I could learn to patch up the hole.

I choose to cry happy tears when I see fathers and daughters happy and loving together. I choose to hope the heart of my lovely friend heals from losing the physical love of her lost parent. I choose to let the fact that this love exists, even if not for me, fill the hole. It is an unconditional and undying love. It is a gift. I hope you all cherish each moment with these men who see only love when they look at you. You are blessed more than I hope you ever know or find out.

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Sanctuary, I mean January…

Here we are, January 1, 2015. Looking back is something I do my best not to do too much of these days, but I find myself thinking about something today. Coming into 2014, I was in such a different place. I had moved to a new city that was my old speed. I was thankful to be there again. Yet, I was fearful for my life. Having read all of the articles that said teeth could lead to death, heart disease, and so many other things I felt desperate to fix them. I felt like a failure for being unable to come right back up from my accident. I had no car, no money, and no hope to recover my health. So, I determined that I would become a dancer when I moved back here. I would be a scantily clad companion/therapist for lonely men and women. It would save me, I kept telling myself. Nobody can help you, but you. Nobody has to do anything for you. Nobody owes you anything. You are the only person who has a reason to pay for this. You have to find a way. I was using thought processes meant to encourage to beat my soul into submission. I let my ego run rampant. Fear and desperation almost always lead to acting from our mind, not our heart. The thing is, I spent most all of my savings getting here. It would literally break me to invest in this job. I did it anyway. I didn’t want to die is all I could think. I wanted to be in charge. I wanted to save myself. I told my friends, some family, and Mom because I wasn’t ashamed. I was trying to be brave. I was trying to sacrifice my soul to gain back what I lost in the physical. I will say when a doctor tells you, you have a ticking time bomb in your mouth, you can go a little crazy. I still made a very conscious decision. I found a place, and I went into audition. I was shaking, positively vibrating with nerves. I got through it as a true novice, and even managed to be accepted. I started that night. It only took three shifts for my body to fill with dread. Other women may be able to thrive in this environment, but that is not my story. Thankfully, a kindred spirit did her best to help me, and in the end, unintentionally saved me from continuing to make a mistake. I had to put the fear of death and disease down. I had to accept that I was not where I wanted to be. I had to believe I could find a better way. That was December. Entering 2014, I put my faith in God and myself. I had hair to do, babies to sit, and I could pay all my bills. I am coming up on two years since the crash, and living with these teeth and no car has changed my perception so much. They have taught me how to face insecurity. They have taught me how to live, and to let go of the burdens of that which cannot be changed. I am more considerate, less judgmental, and more understanding. For this, I am extremely grateful. When I look back, and I remember how convinced I was, I do my best to apply it to my understanding of perception. We see what we need to see to survive our psyche, to win the war with fear or submit to it. I know I am less fearful for everyday I live this way. I know I am stronger. I still worry occasionally, but I can put it down now. Sometimes, the hardest things, the dumbest things, and the saddest things are what foster the best in us. They force us to choose who we are, and what we are willing to accept. They are what allow us to be accepting and unconditionally loving. It is the darkness that allows the light to shine after all. Coming in to 2015, I know I am willing to do healthy and positive things to continue on this path, to let things come together at the right speed, and to look at life in the moment because life isn’t worth it if you are afraid to live it.

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The Power of Self-Victimization

Some forms of ignorance simply cannot be swayed by facts. It is not our place to sway, but simply to continue to support life. If people feel victimized, we must leave them to their victimization for that is their reality. This is not to speak of the grief process accompanied by the affects of rape or assault, but intellectual and mental victimization of self. Until any human being recognizes that it is themselves alone that decide their fate, they are capable of delaying their own, and in that, humanity’s progress. Losing themselves in the idea that they are somehow owed something by someone who has nothing to do with the thing they feel victimized by.

To a person who has trapped themselves in the belief system that someone is against them, someone always will be because it is with the very belief that a person is seen as less than or that others believe them to be, that allows themselves to live a life creating that reality. A reality that in nature allows them to halt their own progress, live in fear and oppression, and expect others to somehow create the change that will fix all the problems that have been created. Only the individual person who sees and lives the problems can fix them. Only the individual person who believes they are owed a helping hand can help themselves. Should we all help each other up when we can? Of course, but compassion is not what this addresses. This is an appeal to personal individual accountability, a request to look beyond all that we see as wrong or different with everyone except ourselves, and to actually look within and find the greatness, power, and freedom that has been waiting there for anyone willing to let go of the constructs of entitlement, victimization, and fear.

True peace and the understanding of human equality waits within anyone willing to take down their own sense of what they are owed and move forward with a sense of all that can be had and achieved with positive intent, belief, and action/work to create it. We all face obstacles, challenges, violence, trauma, betrayal, and hardship regardless of any of the physical descriptions that encompass our spirit. We are challenged in our whole being to support and better ourselves as a whole, not because one part of us is a certain way. If we truly believe in what we deserve, focus on what we want to bring about, and leave behind the idea that we first must prove why we should have been handed the gold star first, we might actually move forward as a species beyond this idea that other people should change so that we can have what we want. We might realize that we are the only thing we can change to get what we want.

If we want to see things disappear we must stop talking them into existence. The more power we give to the things we do not want, the less power we have for what we actually long to create. Proponents for peace reflect peace in their lives. Proponents for ethical treatment of animal’s treat animals with the same compassion they have for humans, if not possibly more. Proponents for equality…..do they reflect a belief for equality in all? Do they represent humanity as a whole without reflecting a prejudice or oppression that is felt to exist only towards themselves?

This is where I believe we have somehow forgotten a step. If we truly want human equality, we should behave as equals. If we focus on what it is that any one sees as their plight, does that help to connect all of the people going through their own various hardship? If we came together with compassion for each other’s journeys, sharing with understanding that we all hurt, would we begin to see ourselves in each other? Would we begin to put down the idea that any one person is somehow more or less than another? If we shared our positives, ideas, victories, and personal desire to be better each day, would we feel more like an equal congregation representing consciousness, compassion, and true lasting understanding of oneness to create a world built on understanding and love? Would we even need to bring up equality if we simply lived it? Wouldn’t it just be something that is, like breathing, walking, working, loving, eating, or sleeping? We could all just understand that the person we see is a reflection of our own humanity, our struggle, and our desire to love and be loved.

No more and no less than everything and anything good or bad can happen to anyone regardless of their outside surroundings or perceptions. Why then do we somehow feel that it is “just us?” It never is, and we know that. How do we forget that every human being struggles and no one has a perfect life? Better yet, what can we do to remember who we really are? One great encompassing species of human’s doing their very best to live in a world that goes against the intrinsic desire to be loved, connected, and bonded to one another with respect for the freedom of choice. We are beings of love and light. We are comprised of more space than matter, as is all of our reality surrounding us.

We send out electromagnetic vibrations that we control through the heart, spirit, and mind. This is regardless of what makes up our body. We literally decide our lightness, or density. We decide what feelings we put out. If we give people the idea, we believe them to be superior, can we be angry with them for leading superior lives? We encouraged and believed they would do so. Each day, each moment, each breath we can create the reality we seek, or we can live in ignorance. Do not sway the ignorance, encourage the intentions of equality in peace. Leave behind the victims who cannot see that they are the help they first need, and move forward helping all you can on the path to their’s and your own highest good. Give of yourself, accept what serves, and walk away from that which does not.

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The Almond Joy of Life

My boundaries were forced open from my earliest memories. I was to be without closure, and to be open. It has been my destiny. I am an open book, a depiction, a stack of lessons, and tiny wisdoms. I am inside and outside of perception constantly within and without the confines of my mind.
I am a nut, but if I am to categorize myself, I am an almond or a cashew. One of those nutritious nuts that really gets you, and has plenty of glorious energy. You know what they say though, sometimes you feel like a nut. Sometimes, you don’t, and sometimes…I don’t feel like myself. Sometimes, I don’t know what I feel like or if I feel anything at all.
It is in these times we must remember our nutty behavior, our unique flavor. It is in these times that we must find what is within that makes us what we are.
We can talk for hours about all that we have been, could be, and hope not to be, but it is not until those hours are taken, those conversations muted, that we really get beyond our shell. It is then we go to the root, to the core, and embrace it all. Every fleck, groove, and solid thing that holds us to who we are.
That is when we feel the nuttiest of all.

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Mama? Dada?

Parents. What a tricky subject. I’m sure that you all love your mother and father, unquestionably. They are the source of your creation. Had they not existed EXACTLY as the people they are…you wouldn’t be you. I’m sure most of us can’t imagine not having our mom. I am also sure far too many of us know exactly the longing that may also have been from either parent missing. Some who are lucky enough, rebuild relationships, learn to love each other as people and not just identities, and others, well, at least they don’t hate each other.

It’s such a tricky territory because no matter how far down on the totem pole one may be, they are still destined to be grateful for one thing, always. Life. What a way to get a person to spend a lifetime feeling guilty. Why am I not enough? Who should I be instead? Is it because I’m not pretty/thin/athletic/whatever enough? Is it because I’m not the norm? These and countless other ponderings come from children without the support of both creators. The funny thing is…they only created you within the womb. They didn’t sing you to sleep. They didn’t take you trick-or-treating. They didn’t know about your first crush, first heartbreak, first trauma, and the millions of things that a person goes through to become who they are today.

Now, to get over that guilt of “not being good enough” for a parent to know you, we have to realize just how good we are. We have brains in our head, shoes on our feet, and some of us even have Dr. Seuss tattoos. We are the people who go through life trying to help others out of pain because we know it all too well. We are the ones who care, sometimes too much because we have so much more love to give and receive after fighting the darkness for so long. We accept the light inside us, and we take our life, not back, but probably into our own hands for the very first time. The funny thing is, most likely, that’s when the true opposition will come. It is funny how letting go of childhood, didn’t allow one to just let go of NOW. To say that actions that are currently affecting each moment of my day on a subconscious level because they are preventing me from living now, should be let go of, is quite incredulous if you ask me. I can accept “mistakes” of the past because as you have all heard me say here, “Sometimes we make mistakes. Mistakes that are huge.”

It would stand to reason that we all love our children, if we have them. We love them first. We love them with our whole heart, and we didn’t ask them to come to us in their first hours of life and tell us, and then hold them responsible for letting us into their lives….That is our role. We watch out for them, cry for them, laugh with them, run with them, feed them, change them, cuddle them, and teach them. Who we are with and around them….teaches them from the moment they are conscious, how to be. If we are completely lacking from that, and some people have been absent even in temporary turmoil, children will find another way. They are adaptable little creatures.

We all find another way. We don’t pound on the walls. Unless, we do, and when that doesn’t work, we stop. It is beyond inconceivable to me that someone who shows such careless disregard for one’s humanity would ever claim to have any knowledge of it. That’s the thing though, in thinking they shouldn’t claim their “knowledge,” we have come to expect an outcome. We have attached ourselves to a specific detail we believe to be universally true, but it’s not. Perception is reality, and in accepting that our perception of our life is not someone else’s, we can let go.
We know our battle wounds, scars, and triumphs. We know our glories, loves, passions, and abilities. We know our strength.

There is so much beauty in life, how can one be less than grateful? We can feel still, the hurt, pain, and maybe even, anger, but to remain thankful, that’s the art of it all. Go paint your picture. It is all up to you. Build relationships, let go of that which does not serve you, and love love love! Thank you.

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Broken Faces Worn Out Faces

Sometimes we make mistakes, mistakes that are huge. I heard that once, and I see myself in that reality in a way I’ve never known. When we face our immortality, it’s the face of grief. It’s a form of innocence lost that can only be characterized as being indestructible. I can say that I have seen now and understood the balance between darkness and light in a way I’ve never known. I think I’m finally learning that if I truly want to represent to and about the love and light I believe in, I must first conquer my darkness. I know now that doing that may be close to as painful as fracturing your face on a steering wheel, but honestly it’s no worse than facing death without letting go of the weights of sadness.
To believe is to be awakened, it allows one to be inspired for greatness and believe in unity. However it does not a hole fill, it does not a loss regain, and it is not a means to an end. When we remember that, we realize to be awakened is only the very first step in a life-long journey. Whatever wisdom we have been blessed with before these moments, are gifts from the journey we have come from. The comfort in that is quite beautiful. Once we start to become more and more consciously aware of that, thankfulness is abundant. This feeling is fresh, new, exciting, and free. It’s only temporary though if one does not continue to do the work. That is how we slip. That is when we can make mistakes.
Today, I write to you in a moment of grace. I’m learning to accept help, to be aware of my demons because I will meditate their dark arrows into beautiful flowers. I will yoga the balance of light back into my being. Until the last few days, I’ve not ever cried so many streams of silent tears. I’m more a communicative crier. Silent tears fall faster, they fall harder, and for me are a more honest release. I have been on a roller coaster of emotions, and honestly, I’m not even sure how my family has dealt with me. I’m so thankful they love me.
One might say, that some mistakes are the expressions of the hurts and pains we never let go of. A way to make our reality fit the skeletons in our closets we’ve been trying to hide. When we are still not truly free of the chains that bind, how can we be living in love? Are we not still carrying the weights of our unresolved and unforgiving actions? Today, let’s give ourselves permission to forgive. I know that I have people in my life that I do not mean to carry discontent with. I want nothing more than to have a blissful, simple, and loving relationship, but we did not give ourselves that luxury. We fought the Universe, and each other, hard. Now I’m learning to accept, and not regret, the challenges we put upon each other because they are why we are so strong today.
I told myself tonight, “it’s time to forgive.” That doesn’t mean the hurts disappear, or that I will suddenly forget where I come from. It means that I will take where I’ve come from and continue to move forward. It is easier to love with an open heart than a closed one. It’s easier to turn off the self-destruct button with an open mind, as well.
Everyday we make choices. We further ourselves with each choice we make, huge mistake or not. It is up to us to decide whether something pushes us up or down. It is up to us whether or not we are consciously making those choices. It is up to us to decide if we are truly conscious or not. Are we present or are we lost in our mind? Today, I’m open, forgiving, loving, and accepting. What are you? As always please continue on the journey and thanks for listening.

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Synchronicity in Sorrow and Bliss: How Did it Happen?

This time of year always seems to push me to a new level of strength. I say this because every incident is a moment for opportunity or negativity. This year, I allowed the professional to affect my personal well-being. I started carrying things around, creating baggage where there once was none…This goes against what I believe in a way that created a battle for my Conscious. Tonight, I was faced with a moment of realization that allowed me to sacrifice for the service and betterment purely for the ones around me. I was given the opportunity to take the high road and to do my best to maintain my integrity.
Mistakes happen. They just do, and sometimes they need to marinate. In an all too immediate realization, I allowed myself a huge moment of vulnerability, but I felt safe. I thought it would be okay, and we could figure it out. That’s not what happened. I paid my workplace for being there tonight. It was for my own mistake, and like I said, it was a big one. It’s just doing that in the middle of my shift gave me the ability to serve knowing that no matter what it was going to be good. I definitely showed my emotions, and it took me a bit to compose. As always there’s a bit of a back story, but for me those aren’t the moments that count. The moment I realized that I could just work, and it was all sort of surreal, allowed me some kind of enlightenment. It gave me the ability to be as human as utterly possible with each of my interactions. It was a strange form of sorrowful bliss that I’m still in awe of. I’m going to do my best to maintain this perception, and be thankful tonight for the rest. I’m going to be thankful for numerous things, and especially thankful that tomorrow is a new day. We get a chance to start again.
Sometimes what hurts us isn’t material. With no true concept of material gain, our work is just a series of interactions with coinciding actions. The hurt was intense, but it was an emotional hurt. A human hurt from one to another. It was not a hurt over material loss. Realizing that makes me proud. Knowing that my heart was in the moment, and I let that happen. Felt every freaking bit of it, and am sitting here writing this feeling full of love, just wanting to express the power it restored in me. I know now, I can handle this…I spent a few minutes today looking in the mirror saying something like that, but my mind questioned it. The Universe decided that I wasn’t going to question it again today. I can do this. I believe in myself, and in my environment. We are all in this together, and if we can actually keep that in mind each day, we might start to get better. I certainly don’t think we’d be hurt by it. Please, let’s all just be human tonight, tomorrow, and the next day, for as many as we have. Our time, after all, is priceless.
So, each moment truly is a chance to be an opportunity, or a negativity. Sometimes, it’s both. This truly is just a string of moments, felt by our skin, seen by our eyes, and processed through our brain. Life is consciousness, and in my opinion the pursuit of the lightest, freest, happiest one we can find. Smile, be thankful, and remember it is all going to happen either way. Thanks for listening and safe journeys.

Stay warm 🙂