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The Father Daughter Dance Debacle

Lately Facebook has given me a peek into something I do not know. Friends often post pictures with their father, a birthday dinner or some other family occasion, but this post from a friend was a little different. It was a paper with a whole page of songs that her father had written down, name and artist, to choose from for their father daughter dance. A dance I do not think they shared, as he passed away. Witnessing the thought, diligence, and care put into this list brings tears to my eyes. Seeing the amount of love this man has for his daughter is incredible. The songs he chose were absolutely beautiful, and truly showed that he saw her as a precious gift from God that he was delighted to dance with. It moves me.

I will most likely walk down my own aisle alone, and I have learned to be content with that should the time ever come. I will not dance, but I will gratefully invite my, currently pretend, husband to please share a dance with his mother, to laugh, whisper memories, and the profound disbelief that she is giving her little boy to this woman because they both deserve it. We all deserve that dance. For some of us, it won’t happen. We may not have a father to do this for us. We may not even know what it is like to dance with our father. We may be strong in that moment knowing that we have done all we can for our highest good, and that dance, that walk, and that love simply were not meant for us. We may not be cherished by them, but we have learned to cherish ourselves. We have learned to accept the love we deserve, and we do our best to patch up the hole left behind.

I was afraid of that hole. I was willing to give up committing to a partner for life because I was afraid, not of marriage, but of disappointment. What if he didn’t show up? What if he doesn’t want to? What if she doesn’t want him to? What if it’s awkward? Should someone who doesn’t even know you give you away? What are they giving then? What do you say to each other while you’re dancing? All of these thoughts have absolutely nothing to do with choosing to love one person unconditionally for the rest of your life, but they clouded my view. Thankfully, knowing that there are such great men, such great fathers, gives me hope. My father has done many things for people. He is a helping hand to a lot of people. It has taken me a long time to realize, there is nothing I can do to make him choose to give me his time. He gives abundantly to whom he believes in, and that is to be respected. I respect him. I have just also learned to respect myself. I cannot expect someone who knows nothing about me to write a whole page of songs to dance with me, but that doesn’t make either one of us a lesser person. It is simply the life we are leading. I would be lying if I said it was not an almost daily decision not to cry or be angry about it anymore, to fully let it go, but I had two choices. I could spend the rest of my life reaching out to someone who doesn’t reach back or I could learn to patch up the hole.

I choose to cry happy tears when I see fathers and daughters happy and loving together. I choose to hope the heart of my lovely friend heals from losing the physical love of her lost parent. I choose to let the fact that this love exists, even if not for me, fill the hole. It is an unconditional and undying love. It is a gift. I hope you all cherish each moment with these men who see only love when they look at you. You are blessed more than I hope you ever know or find out.

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The Fremont Street Experience

I did my best to close out the feelings before I could express them…isn’t that the way? Otherwise, I will have to walk fully through it. I had nightmares about this exact type of man, or more accurately men, my whole life. I was always running from a man attacking me in my dreams….running running running yet finding no destination. No place to call home because i have been running from my own immortal soul. Tonight when these men became a reality I have seen be immensely shattering, I knew this was the moment I broke the cycle. I would not be intimidated, I would say NO, I would not like you three “gentleman” to run a train on me. Thank God for security, fast feet, and bravery. Thank God for releasing me from my mental slavery. Tonight has been the biggest surprise I have had in a long time. I read aloud to strangers my own internal rhyme. I released my rhythm, released my flow. Let go of some fear so I can start to grow. I cried as I read my words…Thankfully, with grace. Because I knew I was showing more than my face. I was showing my heart, my soul, on a sidewalk in front of people I don’t even know, and even as the tears fell I could feel my heart swell because HERE I AM….me queen of stage fright releasing one of my most intimate poems. Freeing myself in the process. I went to downtown Las Vegas tonight and had….sparkling water! I will tell you though, it is like I knew. As I walked back from my Fremont Street experience, I could feel the awareness of being an unarmed woman, walking alone, and being vulnerable. PLUS, wearing flip flops (shin splints…ow.) However, I felt peace of mind. I knew I could be aware and keep going. So, as I neared the end of my “lonely” pilgrimage, I was feeling braver than ever. I knew well enough after they asked me if I was interested in a train, they probably were not really interested in my answer. My no, received a lower offer, and I stopped to quickly alert the lovely security officer nonchalantly. He did his best to hold them up, and I, keys in hand, heard the continuous whistles coming closer. As I got to my car, I didn’t even stop to breathe, straight into reverse. I am unwilling to be a victim. I am fiery. I have fight in me, a right to live, and dignity. So, the only trains I will be seeing are much larger and more suited for traveling. Someone called me brave last week at Mary Jane Falls. After tonight, I have to say I believe them.

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The Almond Joy of Life

My boundaries were forced open from my earliest memories. I was to be without closure, and to be open. It has been my destiny. I am an open book, a depiction, a stack of lessons, and tiny wisdoms. I am inside and outside of perception constantly within and without the confines of my mind.
I am a nut, but if I am to categorize myself, I am an almond or a cashew. One of those nutritious nuts that really gets you, and has plenty of glorious energy. You know what they say though, sometimes you feel like a nut. Sometimes, you don’t, and sometimes…I don’t feel like myself. Sometimes, I don’t know what I feel like or if I feel anything at all.
It is in these times we must remember our nutty behavior, our unique flavor. It is in these times that we must find what is within that makes us what we are.
We can talk for hours about all that we have been, could be, and hope not to be, but it is not until those hours are taken, those conversations muted, that we really get beyond our shell. It is then we go to the root, to the core, and embrace it all. Every fleck, groove, and solid thing that holds us to who we are.
That is when we feel the nuttiest of all.

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Bye Facebook

I have so much to say and yet have no words.
So many variables in life its absurd.
What is that you heard? That I fly free like a bird?
More like chained to the earth grounded in discontent.
Unhappy with humanity lets escape to heaven sent let this mortality be spent forget about debt. No more bills no more rent.
Simply a consciousness, an awareness, a being.
Wouldn’t that be so entirely freeing? We could flow, float, and flee away from these binds of gravity.
Lets return to something heavenly.
An existence we know only in the minds eye, an existence that goes far beyond the bluest sky, an existence we know does not lie.
Does not judge, doesn’t not categorize.
Free of duality, this good and bad fantasy because it really all just is.
Yes it really is just now.
There is only perception to explain the how, the what, the where, and when.
Since when you really think about it, how did time begin?
What is this all anyway?
It’s only what we have all agreed to say,
That it is and its this and that’s all that there is.
Yet it could be so much more, it could be an open door, into the next horizon, into another crazy sky.
It could be there is no answer to the how when where and why.
Is that what heaven is?
An eternal bliss of knowing there’s no answer, of knowing there’s no secret,
That you simply agree to breathe and be it…
Whatever it is, that’s what we defined,
Inside our ever curious expanding mind
That is the essence the core the root the glory
The ever common part of this beautiful changing story.
So while humanity may cause grief, sorrow, and a bit of trouble…
We are coming away from all the rubble, the destruction, the lies.
Slowly but surely we are coming to realize there is more to life, than to judge and criticize.
We are embracing the notion of kindness and peace.
What a beautiful, sweet, heavenly release.

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When You Are Tired of Being the Bigger Person

Most days, I do my best not to think about the things that cause me pain. We all do. It’s human nature, the process of avoiding it, is part of cognitive dissonance. It literally causes the brain pain to challenge thoughts and beliefs in your central nervous system. It also allows us to mirror to people that which we receive and perceive, as a way of hiding. It’s quite the beautiful discovery, cognitive dissonance. However, upon knowing of its existence, one can’t help but face it from time to time. Attempting to be the bigger person, more powerful than the brain which seeks what it knows as comfort.

For the majority of my life, I was one person. Hiding behind all of my insecurities, and believing broken was a state of permanence, something inescapable, binding me to my fears, anxieties, and lack of faith. I have since “suffered” a blow to that belief system, a conk on the head. I awakened in that moment. My frontal lobe, and a lot about me was changed. In one moment, I became a different person. I shed a skin. I realized, I am a creator. I am, and I choose what to put after those sacred words.

I had always thought being the bigger person was not showing your feelings. I thought it was a way of holding it all in. I thought it was about being strong enough to let others walk all over you, and being okay with it. I thought wrong. I believed myself to be insignificant compared to others, with dysfunction to the core…who wasn’t more put together than I?

Little did I know, the answer is that most people are not put together. We are puzzles, sent here with all the pieces, but with no idea what the full picture is going to look like. I have been struggling a lot with my anger lately. These pieces of the puzzle I have that don’t seem to fit, and which, I can’t stop looking at….even though they cause me pain.

I am facing the cognitive dissonance of moving outside being unwanted by your creator. I am facing the feeling of believing someday, this person, this “father” will fulfill the role which most are designed for. Before I began the journey to facing this, other people would say how they couldn’t believe him, how they hated him, how they didn’t understand, and how he is a total a$$hole, douche, or whatever name they felt fitting. I always allowed their anger, but never, my own. Sadness, anguish, confusion, and despair were my only feelings when it came to him. I wasn’t yet strong enough for anger.

Now, I find myself angry. I want to know what it is to be cared about, and to be seen by the person who has transcended his own brokenness. Maybe it’s the mirror cells, I think sometimes. Maybe it’s him, maybe it is you. Mostly, I think it’s me. Then I get lost in being the “bigger person.” “You just aren’t right for his life. You are just too painful to see. You just don’t fit his image. You just remind him of everything he failed at. You just don’t have the right appearance. You just aren’t right.” This has lead to a couple of pity parties, and a lot of self-deprecating behavior.

Today, I know enough to trust my feelings more than my thoughts. I wish beyond all I know, that was enough to stop them. Everyday, I work towards letting go of him. Everyday, I battle my thoughts that are negative about me when it comes to my thoughts about him. Everyday, I am stronger for my conscious awareness that I don’t want to feel that way anymore. We choose. We accept. We don’t always understand. I remind myself incessantly, I approve of myself. I approve of this message.

Most things I write, have a positive twist, I’m looking for one now. I believe the truth of the matter is, I get tired of this incessant cycle from time to time, but I can’t change it without accepting and moving forward. Something I am a warrior for everyday. Some days, I wonder about my strength to keep going, I feel so sad. Yet, I do keep going. Right now, I am facing a lot of insecurities as head on as anyone could, well, not want to, but I am. I am because this daily battle that has gone on for years subconsciously, and now, brought to light has made me a bigger person. It has allowed me to be consciously aware of that which is one of the core reasons for my inability to see me, myself.

I am worthy of love. I am worthy of care, and just because a person who is supposed to, doesn’t…Well, it doesn’t mean that I’m not here surrounded by those who do. A conk on the head can play a lot of games with your mind. It literally changes your brain, but it doesn’t change your heart. We beat our mind with our heart, and when we get tired of being the bigger person, it is not our brain that is aching, it’s our heart.

Thankfully, for every ache we can feel the gap, we can feel a bit more joy, and while there are days that seems impossible, there are more days now it seems it is. When you are tired of being the bigger person, stop thinking and start feeling. Find the root, and do your best to stay conscious of it.

As always thanks for listening. Just curious, what do you do when you are tired of shouldering the past?

Safe journeys.

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The Path to Self-Construction

The path to self construction, it is similar to the path of self destruction in that we are the only ones in charge of making it happen. There is no sure fire way to become some perfect vision of who you want to be, but there is a conscious decision to be thankful for everything you have already been and will become. We are so blessed in our conscious thought. It is a powerful tool in teaching us how to be. Not to be anything, just to be.
When we give ourselves time, it can feel selfish. It can create a distrust in ourselves as to whether we should be here now or doing something else. Is there something better we should be doing? The best way to answer that is, if there was that is what you’d be doing. We can question ourselves incessantly, hoping to find the answers to all the open-ended constantly evolving perceptions of thought, or we can choose to live life now. We can be here now, and do what we know. It ill not always be perfect, and it will come with challenges and “mistakes,” but that is what allows us to grow. If we never felt pain, how would we know joy?
That is my focus now, feeling the pain. I don’t want to hold it inside me, and let it show itself in my actions. I want to feel it inside of me quaking my nerves and sending my heart racing because when I do calm…..it will be because I’m actually letting go and not holding in. I will actually be content with the mishaps of life because I don’t push them aside and pretend they’re not there. We are all fully capable of being accountable to our pain the same way we can be accountable to our family, job, and everything else. We can’t hide from the hurt. It will find us. When it does it will have been carrying the weight of itself just as long as you have,and it will be tired. It will send that weight crashing down onto you with a force of something “unrelated.”
These weights will continue to build on top of each other, leaving us with nothing but a vague awareness that something is not right. Slowly as our self and soul begin to crush under the weight of unresolved pain, we become more aware of the uneasy feelings inside. Is it depression? Anxiety? Am I just tired or hungry? The mark of a great sufferer is the ability to be aware of internal pain. The search for the root of it inevitably only leads to more what if’s. Until, we can be honest. Once we honestly let the pain in, we can suffer and move forward. Life is a daly struggle, but only if we forget to be thankful for every blessing there is. Just waking up today can be enough. For me, today I’m thankful that I can almost just drink out of a bottle, that I’m starting to be able to use silverware again, and I can almost enjoy laying on my side. Think about it, every inhale we get is gift. Every act is an accomplishment.
The power behind the act of being born and being alive is almost unbelievable in it’s ability to be miraculous. We get to be here, we get to know we are here, and we get to choose what we do with that. We are blessed to spend our lives not seeking protection from death, but figuring out the best way we want to live! Enjoy it! There is little else more important in this world than time. It is non-negotiable. I almost spent all mine, but luckily, I still had credit in my account. That s why I’m here today. So don’t be afraid to be thankful or humble for the littlest things. After all, it’s got to grow from somewhere right? In this life we have many paths, do we choose to construct or destruct? I choose to build. Safe travels and thanks for listening!

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Broken Faces Worn Out Faces

Sometimes we make mistakes, mistakes that are huge. I heard that once, and I see myself in that reality in a way I’ve never known. When we face our immortality, it’s the face of grief. It’s a form of innocence lost that can only be characterized as being indestructible. I can say that I have seen now and understood the balance between darkness and light in a way I’ve never known. I think I’m finally learning that if I truly want to represent to and about the love and light I believe in, I must first conquer my darkness. I know now that doing that may be close to as painful as fracturing your face on a steering wheel, but honestly it’s no worse than facing death without letting go of the weights of sadness.
To believe is to be awakened, it allows one to be inspired for greatness and believe in unity. However it does not a hole fill, it does not a loss regain, and it is not a means to an end. When we remember that, we realize to be awakened is only the very first step in a life-long journey. Whatever wisdom we have been blessed with before these moments, are gifts from the journey we have come from. The comfort in that is quite beautiful. Once we start to become more and more consciously aware of that, thankfulness is abundant. This feeling is fresh, new, exciting, and free. It’s only temporary though if one does not continue to do the work. That is how we slip. That is when we can make mistakes.
Today, I write to you in a moment of grace. I’m learning to accept help, to be aware of my demons because I will meditate their dark arrows into beautiful flowers. I will yoga the balance of light back into my being. Until the last few days, I’ve not ever cried so many streams of silent tears. I’m more a communicative crier. Silent tears fall faster, they fall harder, and for me are a more honest release. I have been on a roller coaster of emotions, and honestly, I’m not even sure how my family has dealt with me. I’m so thankful they love me.
One might say, that some mistakes are the expressions of the hurts and pains we never let go of. A way to make our reality fit the skeletons in our closets we’ve been trying to hide. When we are still not truly free of the chains that bind, how can we be living in love? Are we not still carrying the weights of our unresolved and unforgiving actions? Today, let’s give ourselves permission to forgive. I know that I have people in my life that I do not mean to carry discontent with. I want nothing more than to have a blissful, simple, and loving relationship, but we did not give ourselves that luxury. We fought the Universe, and each other, hard. Now I’m learning to accept, and not regret, the challenges we put upon each other because they are why we are so strong today.
I told myself tonight, “it’s time to forgive.” That doesn’t mean the hurts disappear, or that I will suddenly forget where I come from. It means that I will take where I’ve come from and continue to move forward. It is easier to love with an open heart than a closed one. It’s easier to turn off the self-destruct button with an open mind, as well.
Everyday we make choices. We further ourselves with each choice we make, huge mistake or not. It is up to us to decide whether something pushes us up or down. It is up to us whether or not we are consciously making those choices. It is up to us to decide if we are truly conscious or not. Are we present or are we lost in our mind? Today, I’m open, forgiving, loving, and accepting. What are you? As always please continue on the journey and thanks for listening.