I did my best to close out the feelings before I could express them…isn’t that the way? Otherwise, I will have to walk fully through it. I had nightmares about this exact type of man, or more accurately men, my whole life. I was always running from a man attacking me in my dreams….running running running yet finding no destination. No place to call home because i have been running from my own immortal soul. Tonight when these men became a reality I have seen be immensely shattering, I knew this was the moment I broke the cycle. I would not be intimidated, I would say NO, I would not like you three “gentleman” to run a train on me. Thank God for security, fast feet, and bravery. Thank God for releasing me from my mental slavery. Tonight has been the biggest surprise I have had in a long time. I read aloud to strangers my own internal rhyme. I released my rhythm, released my flow. Let go of some fear so I can start to grow. I cried as I read my words…Thankfully, with grace. Because I knew I was showing more than my face. I was showing my heart, my soul, on a sidewalk in front of people I don’t even know, and even as the tears fell I could feel my heart swell because HERE I AM….me queen of stage fright releasing one of my most intimate poems. Freeing myself in the process. I went to downtown Las Vegas tonight and had….sparkling water! I will tell you though, it is like I knew. As I walked back from my Fremont Street experience, I could feel the awareness of being an unarmed woman, walking alone, and being vulnerable. PLUS, wearing flip flops (shin splints…ow.) However, I felt peace of mind. I knew I could be aware and keep going. So, as I neared the end of my “lonely” pilgrimage, I was feeling braver than ever. I knew well enough after they asked me if I was interested in a train, they probably were not really interested in my answer. My no, received a lower offer, and I stopped to quickly alert the lovely security officer nonchalantly. He did his best to hold them up, and I, keys in hand, heard the continuous whistles coming closer. As I got to my car, I didn’t even stop to breathe, straight into reverse. I am unwilling to be a victim. I am fiery. I have fight in me, a right to live, and dignity. So, the only trains I will be seeing are much larger and more suited for traveling. Someone called me brave last week at Mary Jane Falls. After tonight, I have to say I believe them.
They move in darkness and believe in it too. Motivated by a need to see others as insecure and fearful as themselves. One can fight a devil’s advocate, but not for long. As they use emotions, and not logic, to pinpoint our weaknesses. They use a soft tone that makes one feel as though they can’t scream loud enough. They use sharp words to make one feel dull. Before one knows it they are feeling the pressure of anger building behind the bones in their face like water rushing through a creek. It is funny because this pressure is quite literally becoming unusual. Why wouldn’t it since the bones can barely take the pressure of daily existence, let alone the unnecessary added pressure of anger.
Anger is toxic. It’s as toxic as the drinks and smokes a devil’s advocate consumes to help them feel internal balances, never realizing the answer is pure joy inside of themselves and, not these toxic outer hindrances, that actually bring peace of mind. It’s the bliss of consciousness that actually builds strength in the face of fear and not hiding behind various realms of possibility.
It is unfortunate to think a devil’a advocate could be anywhere. It’s even sadder to think they could be you. We all have that place in ourselves that is dark and menacing. The place that says the quiet things that no one ever knows. However, why would we play advocate for bringing those thoughts to the surface? Ought we not to encourage one another to move forward in love and light? Do we not want better for those who come after us?
Should one let another go blindly into shit? No, probably not. However, it is only the devil’s advocate who sees that in the future. Creatures who see light, love, opportunity, and abundance see faith, perseverance, humility, and gratitude as their allies in the ability to create the future desires of their mind. Having goals that are specific is important, but at the end of the day if we don’t believe in ourselves and have faith in humanity how can we expect to find the life we want? If we don’t believe there is good in the world, how can we ever expect to find it?
Honestly, we are all connected to one another, and we are all an expression of the perception we create. Today, I am finding that creating a perception based on mindfulness, meditation, love, light, and faith may just scare many people. It is a journey to fearlessness that I am on. I want only to be the kind of person I want my child to be. Independent, confident, strong, vibrant, with a good heart, soul, mind, and spirit. I want him to go into the world with big dreams and an absolute belief he can and will succeed. I want him to believe he can do anything. So, how then, can I do anything less?
I promise today and everyday to believe in love, unity, peace, freedom, light, and the power we all have within. I will fight everyday for my life’s purpose. I will only be stronger for every devil’s advocate who chooses to live in the dark. Hopefully, one day, we can see each other in the light. I choose to accept that I may not be “smart” enough in your eyes, to accept that you will question my dreams, and to forgive you and love you anyway. Because what you think of me and my life is none of my business. I am my soul and I am living in love. I am at peace. I am.
Thanks for listening and safe journeys.