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Throwback to now.

It is amazing to me the knowledge we carry around, remember, and forget constantly. I wrote this two years ago, but it is true to my life even now. I have grown a lot in self love, confidence, and peace. Yet, it is still a message I needed to hear again.

When people have spoken to me about the merits of a clean conscience and all the meaning of it, I never did have any idea what they meant. I naturally tended to act of my own will and chose to believe that was not an unkindness to others. Ive done my best to not do wrong by anyone else. I did not include myself in that anthology, however. I chose to walk the right path, but always lead by other people. In the end finding myself wandering alone wondering how I could be so disconnected, so closed. What is it inside me? I’d always find that little voice thinking. How did that happen? Eventually I let myself reach a place of awareness. This place lead me to seeing that things didn’t just happen. I began to see that life is quilted together. The squares, the choices we and the people around us make. I began to feel a sense of power, the ability to be useful, important, to account for myself the choices I make. Now, I’d love to say that was it. After that, my life only went up, happily ever after, and all those easy outs. However, I have become so aware of that power, that independence. I find myself craving it like an addict. How do I control this? Push it down a little I thought. That voice in my head telling me I could just cheat a little on my clean eating. Forget about running for a few days, my muscles are achy and I’m not feeling well. Stay up a little later, watch tv this one time. Slowly all of the constraints of my former anxiety were hitting me. I found myself suffocating in a sea of justifications. Life can be stifling and I was bowing my head. Rebelling while kneeling compliantly to the throne. Tumultuous and fiery we could never actually agree on anything. Unless that is, the ridiculousness that was our relationship. So, the little voice, it’s popping up more and more with thoughts I’m not accepting, but I’m hearing it. I’m listening. When one is used to living low, it’s easy to fall down. It’s comfortably miserable there. Let’s face it. We’ve all been there before. Givng ourselves pep talks, thinking ourselves through life, and what does that all mean? Obviously, it’s a quick route to a lethargic lifestyle. That’s where I found myself today. Lethargic, empty, and lost. Thankfully, I read my body, watched the signal, felt my breath, and told the little voice to shut up. I’m back on my journey to lightness. I am going to push through. I can figure this out. I just need to be conscious. I need to live, be open, and stay conscious. Every moment is a chance to be loving. Is your heart open or closed?

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The Fremont Street Experience

I did my best to close out the feelings before I could express them…isn’t that the way? Otherwise, I will have to walk fully through it. I had nightmares about this exact type of man, or more accurately men, my whole life. I was always running from a man attacking me in my dreams….running running running yet finding no destination. No place to call home because i have been running from my own immortal soul. Tonight when these men became a reality I have seen be immensely shattering, I knew this was the moment I broke the cycle. I would not be intimidated, I would say NO, I would not like you three “gentleman” to run a train on me. Thank God for security, fast feet, and bravery. Thank God for releasing me from my mental slavery. Tonight has been the biggest surprise I have had in a long time. I read aloud to strangers my own internal rhyme. I released my rhythm, released my flow. Let go of some fear so I can start to grow. I cried as I read my words…Thankfully, with grace. Because I knew I was showing more than my face. I was showing my heart, my soul, on a sidewalk in front of people I don’t even know, and even as the tears fell I could feel my heart swell because HERE I AM….me queen of stage fright releasing one of my most intimate poems. Freeing myself in the process. I went to downtown Las Vegas tonight and had….sparkling water! I will tell you though, it is like I knew. As I walked back from my Fremont Street experience, I could feel the awareness of being an unarmed woman, walking alone, and being vulnerable. PLUS, wearing flip flops (shin splints…ow.) However, I felt peace of mind. I knew I could be aware and keep going. So, as I neared the end of my “lonely” pilgrimage, I was feeling braver than ever. I knew well enough after they asked me if I was interested in a train, they probably were not really interested in my answer. My no, received a lower offer, and I stopped to quickly alert the lovely security officer nonchalantly. He did his best to hold them up, and I, keys in hand, heard the continuous whistles coming closer. As I got to my car, I didn’t even stop to breathe, straight into reverse. I am unwilling to be a victim. I am fiery. I have fight in me, a right to live, and dignity. So, the only trains I will be seeing are much larger and more suited for traveling. Someone called me brave last week at Mary Jane Falls. After tonight, I have to say I believe them.

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Broken Faces Worn Out Faces

Sometimes we make mistakes, mistakes that are huge. I heard that once, and I see myself in that reality in a way I’ve never known. When we face our immortality, it’s the face of grief. It’s a form of innocence lost that can only be characterized as being indestructible. I can say that I have seen now and understood the balance between darkness and light in a way I’ve never known. I think I’m finally learning that if I truly want to represent to and about the love and light I believe in, I must first conquer my darkness. I know now that doing that may be close to as painful as fracturing your face on a steering wheel, but honestly it’s no worse than facing death without letting go of the weights of sadness.
To believe is to be awakened, it allows one to be inspired for greatness and believe in unity. However it does not a hole fill, it does not a loss regain, and it is not a means to an end. When we remember that, we realize to be awakened is only the very first step in a life-long journey. Whatever wisdom we have been blessed with before these moments, are gifts from the journey we have come from. The comfort in that is quite beautiful. Once we start to become more and more consciously aware of that, thankfulness is abundant. This feeling is fresh, new, exciting, and free. It’s only temporary though if one does not continue to do the work. That is how we slip. That is when we can make mistakes.
Today, I write to you in a moment of grace. I’m learning to accept help, to be aware of my demons because I will meditate their dark arrows into beautiful flowers. I will yoga the balance of light back into my being. Until the last few days, I’ve not ever cried so many streams of silent tears. I’m more a communicative crier. Silent tears fall faster, they fall harder, and for me are a more honest release. I have been on a roller coaster of emotions, and honestly, I’m not even sure how my family has dealt with me. I’m so thankful they love me.
One might say, that some mistakes are the expressions of the hurts and pains we never let go of. A way to make our reality fit the skeletons in our closets we’ve been trying to hide. When we are still not truly free of the chains that bind, how can we be living in love? Are we not still carrying the weights of our unresolved and unforgiving actions? Today, let’s give ourselves permission to forgive. I know that I have people in my life that I do not mean to carry discontent with. I want nothing more than to have a blissful, simple, and loving relationship, but we did not give ourselves that luxury. We fought the Universe, and each other, hard. Now I’m learning to accept, and not regret, the challenges we put upon each other because they are why we are so strong today.
I told myself tonight, “it’s time to forgive.” That doesn’t mean the hurts disappear, or that I will suddenly forget where I come from. It means that I will take where I’ve come from and continue to move forward. It is easier to love with an open heart than a closed one. It’s easier to turn off the self-destruct button with an open mind, as well.
Everyday we make choices. We further ourselves with each choice we make, huge mistake or not. It is up to us to decide whether something pushes us up or down. It is up to us whether or not we are consciously making those choices. It is up to us to decide if we are truly conscious or not. Are we present or are we lost in our mind? Today, I’m open, forgiving, loving, and accepting. What are you? As always please continue on the journey and thanks for listening.