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Sanctuary, I mean January…

Here we are, January 1, 2015. Looking back is something I do my best not to do too much of these days, but I find myself thinking about something today. Coming into 2014, I was in such a different place. I had moved to a new city that was my old speed. I was thankful to be there again. Yet, I was fearful for my life. Having read all of the articles that said teeth could lead to death, heart disease, and so many other things I felt desperate to fix them. I felt like a failure for being unable to come right back up from my accident. I had no car, no money, and no hope to recover my health. So, I determined that I would become a dancer when I moved back here. I would be a scantily clad companion/therapist for lonely men and women. It would save me, I kept telling myself. Nobody can help you, but you. Nobody has to do anything for you. Nobody owes you anything. You are the only person who has a reason to pay for this. You have to find a way. I was using thought processes meant to encourage to beat my soul into submission. I let my ego run rampant. Fear and desperation almost always lead to acting from our mind, not our heart. The thing is, I spent most all of my savings getting here. It would literally break me to invest in this job. I did it anyway. I didn’t want to die is all I could think. I wanted to be in charge. I wanted to save myself. I told my friends, some family, and Mom because I wasn’t ashamed. I was trying to be brave. I was trying to sacrifice my soul to gain back what I lost in the physical. I will say when a doctor tells you, you have a ticking time bomb in your mouth, you can go a little crazy. I still made a very conscious decision. I found a place, and I went into audition. I was shaking, positively vibrating with nerves. I got through it as a true novice, and even managed to be accepted. I started that night. It only took three shifts for my body to fill with dread. Other women may be able to thrive in this environment, but that is not my story. Thankfully, a kindred spirit did her best to help me, and in the end, unintentionally saved me from continuing to make a mistake. I had to put the fear of death and disease down. I had to accept that I was not where I wanted to be. I had to believe I could find a better way. That was December. Entering 2014, I put my faith in God and myself. I had hair to do, babies to sit, and I could pay all my bills. I am coming up on two years since the crash, and living with these teeth and no car has changed my perception so much. They have taught me how to face insecurity. They have taught me how to live, and to let go of the burdens of that which cannot be changed. I am more considerate, less judgmental, and more understanding. For this, I am extremely grateful. When I look back, and I remember how convinced I was, I do my best to apply it to my understanding of perception. We see what we need to see to survive our psyche, to win the war with fear or submit to it. I know I am less fearful for everyday I live this way. I know I am stronger. I still worry occasionally, but I can put it down now. Sometimes, the hardest things, the dumbest things, and the saddest things are what foster the best in us. They force us to choose who we are, and what we are willing to accept. They are what allow us to be accepting and unconditionally loving. It is the darkness that allows the light to shine after all. Coming in to 2015, I know I am willing to do healthy and positive things to continue on this path, to let things come together at the right speed, and to look at life in the moment because life isn’t worth it if you are afraid to live it.

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Feelings: The Sixth Sense?

Senses, for all of our developmental years, we are taught that we have merely five. That we can see with our eyes, hear with our ears, taste with our mouths, and touch with our hands. Now, lately i find myself debating these facts. Are those truly the only five senses we have and develop? Many people would say, obviously not. However, they can’t tell you exactly what the magic “sixth sense” is. We will hear words like ESP, subtle senses, and intuition. However, that is not a developed trait that all human beings feature. Feelings, however are everywhere and always.

Feelings, I have been doing a lot of research on feelings and what they “are.” In my mind, though, they are another sense. A sense of the body and the constant energetic shifts it is going through. Feelings are our navigational tool to promote self-realization and understanding. Without feelings, we would only know the logic-base of being alive. Feelings are definitely a sense of the organ of the brain. Without which the neurotransmitters and chemical reactions that we know as “emotional reactions,” would not exist. It is only though, with the conscious realization that we control our reaction to things, that frees us from our emotions. We are not enslaved to these chemical reactions, just as we are not enslaved by our allergies.

Yes, we may have malfunctions such as pink eye, runny nose, burned tongues, or clogged ears, but we are aware of the malfunction and we operate outside of our discomfort. Can we say the same of our emotions? Do we recognize that there is always the possibility that an emotional reaction is just a bit of a malfunction and not quite within the comfort of “who we are?” It is said that feelings can be measured in direct proportion to how much we like or dislike something. It is a correlation of the mind then, and not the mind itself which creates feelings. Our brain is able to fix upon a particular object, thought, shape, color, pattern, or really anything and decide like or dislike. Once, that happens depending on the external consciousness around us, we find ourselves developing certain feelings about these seemingly inconsequential moments of now. Therein, these reactions of emotions are then varied depending on the function of the brain and the external world around us. Could we not then infer that our feelings are a sense that we use to help navigate emotional distress and elation? I believe that if we look at the logic pattern of subconscious, conscious, choice, emotion, feeling, and realization we can see that feeling is what makes sense of the interaction.

If we were to openly see feeling as a separate sense that can be developed, we would learn that emotions are tricky. We would be able to understand that our subconscious takes in things at a rate faster than our waking state, and that is what creates conscious decision making. Knowing that, how could we not then see that the emotions that stem from that choice are purely a reaction to the choice itself? With all of this information, I think it is simple to find ourselves seeing even more clearly that feelings than, are the sense that give us pause from the instantaneous chemical response to choice and it’s externalization in our consciousness. We can begin to learn to develop out of cognitive dissonance, and the emotional reactions of disbelief, offense, anxiety, and fear. We are just not as developed in our sensory ability to manifest the emotions into feelings of faith, trust, and love. This is an ability that any human brain has the ability to function through given meditation, yoga, good nutrition, support, and love. It is interesting that we seem to be so engulfed by our emotions. We call them disorders, imbalances, and other superficial terms that only serve to gloss over the shallow surface. Where is the depth?

We understand now that the brain is capable of so much more than what we have previously given credit to, and in accepting that knowledge I hope we can begin to foster our feelings into those of success. We are the creators, the ones who manifest, we are the feelers of the Universe. That is our humanity. We are emotional, we feel, we touch, we see, we hear, we taste, and we are aware of it all. Let’s open ourselves to the idea that feeling is natural, but we are not powerless over it. Let’s look our emotions down to their roots, and let’s manifest something better. We are powerful beyond measure, and we are not just our mind, emotions, heart, or body. We are all of that manifested together into the conscious energetic field of life. This is our sixth sense, to feel.

How many more have you discovered?

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Mama? Dada?

Parents. What a tricky subject. I’m sure that you all love your mother and father, unquestionably. They are the source of your creation. Had they not existed EXACTLY as the people they are…you wouldn’t be you. I’m sure most of us can’t imagine not having our mom. I am also sure far too many of us know exactly the longing that may also have been from either parent missing. Some who are lucky enough, rebuild relationships, learn to love each other as people and not just identities, and others, well, at least they don’t hate each other.

It’s such a tricky territory because no matter how far down on the totem pole one may be, they are still destined to be grateful for one thing, always. Life. What a way to get a person to spend a lifetime feeling guilty. Why am I not enough? Who should I be instead? Is it because I’m not pretty/thin/athletic/whatever enough? Is it because I’m not the norm? These and countless other ponderings come from children without the support of both creators. The funny thing is…they only created you within the womb. They didn’t sing you to sleep. They didn’t take you trick-or-treating. They didn’t know about your first crush, first heartbreak, first trauma, and the millions of things that a person goes through to become who they are today.

Now, to get over that guilt of “not being good enough” for a parent to know you, we have to realize just how good we are. We have brains in our head, shoes on our feet, and some of us even have Dr. Seuss tattoos. We are the people who go through life trying to help others out of pain because we know it all too well. We are the ones who care, sometimes too much because we have so much more love to give and receive after fighting the darkness for so long. We accept the light inside us, and we take our life, not back, but probably into our own hands for the very first time. The funny thing is, most likely, that’s when the true opposition will come. It is funny how letting go of childhood, didn’t allow one to just let go of NOW. To say that actions that are currently affecting each moment of my day on a subconscious level because they are preventing me from living now, should be let go of, is quite incredulous if you ask me. I can accept “mistakes” of the past because as you have all heard me say here, “Sometimes we make mistakes. Mistakes that are huge.”

It would stand to reason that we all love our children, if we have them. We love them first. We love them with our whole heart, and we didn’t ask them to come to us in their first hours of life and tell us, and then hold them responsible for letting us into their lives….That is our role. We watch out for them, cry for them, laugh with them, run with them, feed them, change them, cuddle them, and teach them. Who we are with and around them….teaches them from the moment they are conscious, how to be. If we are completely lacking from that, and some people have been absent even in temporary turmoil, children will find another way. They are adaptable little creatures.

We all find another way. We don’t pound on the walls. Unless, we do, and when that doesn’t work, we stop. It is beyond inconceivable to me that someone who shows such careless disregard for one’s humanity would ever claim to have any knowledge of it. That’s the thing though, in thinking they shouldn’t claim their “knowledge,” we have come to expect an outcome. We have attached ourselves to a specific detail we believe to be universally true, but it’s not. Perception is reality, and in accepting that our perception of our life is not someone else’s, we can let go.
We know our battle wounds, scars, and triumphs. We know our glories, loves, passions, and abilities. We know our strength.

There is so much beauty in life, how can one be less than grateful? We can feel still, the hurt, pain, and maybe even, anger, but to remain thankful, that’s the art of it all. Go paint your picture. It is all up to you. Build relationships, let go of that which does not serve you, and love love love! Thank you.

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The Devil’s Advocate

They move in darkness and believe in it too. Motivated by a need to see others as insecure and fearful as themselves. One can fight a devil’s advocate, but not for long. As they use emotions, and not logic, to pinpoint our weaknesses. They use a soft tone that makes one feel as though they can’t scream loud enough. They use sharp words to make one feel dull. Before one knows it they are feeling the pressure of anger building behind the bones in their face like water rushing through a creek. It is funny because this pressure is quite literally becoming unusual. Why wouldn’t it since the bones can barely take the pressure of daily existence, let alone the unnecessary added pressure of anger.
Anger is toxic. It’s as toxic as the drinks and smokes a devil’s advocate consumes to help them feel internal balances, never realizing the answer is pure joy inside of themselves and, not these toxic outer hindrances, that actually bring peace of mind. It’s the bliss of consciousness that actually builds strength in the face of fear and not hiding behind various realms of possibility.
It is unfortunate to think a devil’a advocate could be anywhere. It’s even sadder to think they could be you. We all have that place in ourselves that is dark and menacing. The place that says the quiet things that no one ever knows. However, why would we play advocate for bringing those thoughts to the surface? Ought we not to encourage one another to move forward in love and light? Do we not want better for those who come after us?
Should one let another go blindly into shit? No, probably not. However, it is only the devil’s advocate who sees that in the future. Creatures who see light, love, opportunity, and abundance see faith, perseverance, humility, and gratitude as their allies in the ability to create the future desires of their mind. Having goals that are specific is important, but at the end of the day if we don’t believe in ourselves and have faith in humanity how can we expect to find the life we want? If we don’t believe there is good in the world, how can we ever expect to find it?
Honestly, we are all connected to one another, and we are all an expression of the perception we create. Today, I am finding that creating a perception based on mindfulness, meditation, love, light, and faith may just scare many people. It is a journey to fearlessness that I am on. I want only to be the kind of person I want my child to be. Independent, confident, strong, vibrant, with a good heart, soul, mind, and spirit. I want him to go into the world with big dreams and an absolute belief he can and will succeed. I want him to believe he can do anything. So, how then, can I do anything less?
I promise today and everyday to believe in love, unity, peace, freedom, light, and the power we all have within. I will fight everyday for my life’s purpose. I will only be stronger for every devil’s advocate who chooses to live in the dark. Hopefully, one day, we can see each other in the light. I choose to accept that I may not be “smart” enough in your eyes, to accept that you will question my dreams, and to forgive you and love you anyway. Because what you think of me and my life is none of my business. I am my soul and I am living in love. I am at peace. I am.
Thanks for listening and safe journeys.

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Is it only blissful thinking?

I deleted my Facebook today. I know, to some, it is shocking. To me, that’s the puzzle. In my search to find bliss, I’ve decided to focus on the main character on the journey and the true players in my story. I want to seek true relationships. I want to be open, unfiltered, joyful, and loving! I want to speak through my true voice. So I must thank you for listening!
I found myself pondering words today. This is not an unusual occurrence. However, thanks to having more freedom sans Facebook, I decided to find the “roots” of these words. Manager has been quite a big weight on the mind. The word originally started as a term to describe overseeing horses. A synonym for horsemanship. The part that lead me further down this journey was that this word did not come into existance until well into the 1700’s! This end all and be all in many careers has been around for less time than corsets.
This really got me thinking. I started searching a few other words, responsibility, obligation, and practical to name a few. Similar stories, and seeing the true definitions opened my eyes to the misuse of the modern day English language just a bit more.
Then, I typed in bliss. Bliss, as a word, has existed since before the year 1,000. People having been seeking heaven on earth for much longer than we’ve been “managing” ourselves. It’s things like this that help me to believe the path I seek is my own, and I am the only person who decides how to take each day. If I believe in bliss, I will find it.
It’s interesting to begin to sit in the observation seat of life. Journey on and safe travels.