Sanctuary, I mean January…

Here we are, January 1, 2015. Looking back is something I do my best not to do too much of these days, but I find myself thinking about something today. Coming into 2014, I was in such a different place. I had moved to a new city that was my old speed. I was thankful to be there again. Yet, I was fearful for my life. Having read all of the articles that said teeth could lead to death, heart disease, and so many other things I felt desperate to fix them. I felt like a failure for being unable to come right back up from my accident. I had no car, no money, and no hope to recover my health. So, I determined that I would become a dancer when I moved back here. I would be a scantily clad companion/therapist for lonely men and women. It would save me, I kept telling myself. Nobody can help you, but you. Nobody has to do anything for you. Nobody owes you anything. You are the only person who has a reason to pay for this. You have to find a way. I was using thought processes meant to encourage to beat my soul into submission. I let my ego run rampant. Fear and desperation almost always lead to acting from our mind, not our heart. The thing is, I spent most all of my savings getting here. It would literally break me to invest in this job. I did it anyway. I didn’t want to die is all I could think. I wanted to be in charge. I wanted to save myself. I told my friends, some family, and Mom because I wasn’t ashamed. I was trying to be brave. I was trying to sacrifice my soul to gain back what I lost in the physical. I will say when a doctor tells you, you have a ticking time bomb in your mouth, you can go a little crazy. I still made a very conscious decision. I found a place, and I went into audition. I was shaking, positively vibrating with nerves. I got through it as a true novice, and even managed to be accepted. I started that night. It only took three shifts for my body to fill with dread. Other women may be able to thrive in this environment, but that is not my story. Thankfully, a kindred spirit did her best to help me, and in the end, unintentionally saved me from continuing to make a mistake. I had to put the fear of death and disease down. I had to accept that I was not where I wanted to be. I had to believe I could find a better way. That was December. Entering 2014, I put my faith in God and myself. I had hair to do, babies to sit, and I could pay all my bills. I am coming up on two years since the crash, and living with these teeth and no car has changed my perception so much. They have taught me how to face insecurity. They have taught me how to live, and to let go of the burdens of that which cannot be changed. I am more considerate, less judgmental, and more understanding. For this, I am extremely grateful. When I look back, and I remember how convinced I was, I do my best to apply it to my understanding of perception. We see what we need to see to survive our psyche, to win the war with fear or submit to it. I know I am less fearful for everyday I live this way. I know I am stronger. I still worry occasionally, but I can put it down now. Sometimes, the hardest things, the dumbest things, and the saddest things are what foster the best in us. They force us to choose who we are, and what we are willing to accept. They are what allow us to be accepting and unconditionally loving. It is the darkness that allows the light to shine after all. Coming in to 2015, I know I am willing to do healthy and positive things to continue on this path, to let things come together at the right speed, and to look at life in the moment because life isn’t worth it if you are afraid to live it.


The Universe

We are the universe. We can close our eyes breathe and see the connectedness of it all. If we truly live in each moment minutes of silence with the self can feel like kind, peaceful eternities and interaction can feel like a fun interruption from the blissful stream of consciousness that is being. Life is amazing, life is everywhere, life is all we really have at the end of the day. Life and death are the only two things we truly know, and aside from that we can only experience and perceive. This is a journey that is so unique to each one of us. Remember, each of us is one in four hundred trillion.
Right now, right in this moment I feel completely blissful, alive, and aware. I hope you are too. Thanks for listening and safe journeys.


Can You Feel Change?

As human beings, we know that one of our biggest strengths is adaptation. Our ability to change is one of the main factors in determining our existence. As I sit here writing this, I’m compelled to wonder. Do we actually feel change happen?
I know my first thought was, “Yes, of course we do.” Obviously, that was not my only thought. I started thinking about something I’d read about infancy and how as we age we develop a sense of “I” or “me.” When we are our smallest and most vulnerable we see ourselves as one in everything. One in our mothers, our toys, our food, water, and air. There is no such thing as “too far” or “too high.” It’s all the same.
Once I learned we come from that place, it was hard to imagine that we actually feel change happen. Change is constantly occurring. Each moment, each thought, it’s all apart of one big continuous change.
We are never who we say we are for long. Until that day, we begin holding ourselves fully accountable. Until then change will “happen” to us. Once we found ourselves in a state of happiness and contentment though, I believe everything will feel as one. Then change will be a memory of the past. Maybe then, we can feel it. A nostalgic and surreal vision of who we were. What do you think? Thanks for listening.


Foggy With a Chance of Meditation

I believe daily meditation has helped keep me centered. I have struggled with anxiety over life, felt powerless, and just let life happen. I’m thankful to have become realized in the fact that this is not “how life is,” but actually choices that I have made.
However, I think my ego thought just knowing this would make all of the conscious changes in my life, easy. I know, this is not true, and yet, at the first sign of spiritual plateau here I am letting my ego question if I can do this or not. I know these are only moments in a natural process. I find myself sitting here questioning where this post is going, where I am going, and what all of this means?
Thankfully, I’m sitting outside, the birds are chirping, and instead of holding onto these doubts, I’m letting them go. I know there are always going to be moments, places, people, and my own ego that will question my principles. I guess I’m writing this to affirm something I was afraid of until recently. It’s okay to be me, and as long as I am consciously aware of what I’m doing, it’s more than okay. It’s practically blissful!
Even when we feel like we’re standing still, we are always moving forward. I know I write that I’m thankful a lot, but I feel like I lived in a fog of negativity, self-doubt, and confusion for so long. To finally feel free of that, to feel the sun on my face, and actually relax, really feels like a gift I didn’t know I was worthy of receiving.
So, I guess the Universe actually has lead this tangent somewhere. Instead of feeling plateaued, I’m actually still thankful. I could still be seeing a hole inside my spirit, but I’m not and that is more than some people ever find.
I hope if anyone else out there is going through something like this, that we all know, it must get better. It already has. Patience, listening, positivity, these are not necessarily in abundance in our daily lives. That doesn’t mean that we ought to stop fighting for it. I found myself lost in a fog at the beginning of this, and now I’m finding my clarity again. So, thanks for listening and safe journeys!


Sitting in a Used bookstore

I’m sitting On the floor in the children’s section of the used bookstore. Elvis “Don’t Be Cruel” is playing, and I’ve just finished reading the scholastic classic, “Stone Soup.” I felt a twinge of excitement, this felt familiar. Peeking out at me, loosened from the previous book I had pulled.
So I picked it up and began reading. Adults, teenagers, and children everywhere could find something wise in this beautifully simple journey to find happiness where there is little or none. It’s amazing the gifts we start finding when our minds and our spirits are open. To know that I loved this as a child, reminds me, we all start that way. Sharing, growing, learning, and loving, it’s the true human nature.
Letting these natural feelings of contentment be visible to the world has definitely been a decision every moment, but it’s becoming more natural. Today, for the first time in a long time I walked into an interview, confident in who I am. Not who I’m going to be, not who I should be, or what I could be, but just exactly who I am. I’m thankful to the universe for this moment and every moment. Who knew life was so amazing?
Thanks for listening and safe journeys.


Is it only blissful thinking?

I deleted my Facebook today. I know, to some, it is shocking. To me, that’s the puzzle. In my search to find bliss, I’ve decided to focus on the main character on the journey and the true players in my story. I want to seek true relationships. I want to be open, unfiltered, joyful, and loving! I want to speak through my true voice. So I must thank you for listening!
I found myself pondering words today. This is not an unusual occurrence. However, thanks to having more freedom sans Facebook, I decided to find the “roots” of these words. Manager has been quite a big weight on the mind. The word originally started as a term to describe overseeing horses. A synonym for horsemanship. The part that lead me further down this journey was that this word did not come into existance until well into the 1700’s! This end all and be all in many careers has been around for less time than corsets.
This really got me thinking. I started searching a few other words, responsibility, obligation, and practical to name a few. Similar stories, and seeing the true definitions opened my eyes to the misuse of the modern day English language just a bit more.
Then, I typed in bliss. Bliss, as a word, has existed since before the year 1,000. People having been seeking heaven on earth for much longer than we’ve been “managing” ourselves. It’s things like this that help me to believe the path I seek is my own, and I am the only person who decides how to take each day. If I believe in bliss, I will find it.
It’s interesting to begin to sit in the observation seat of life. Journey on and safe travels.