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Throwback to now.

It is amazing to me the knowledge we carry around, remember, and forget constantly. I wrote this two years ago, but it is true to my life even now. I have grown a lot in self love, confidence, and peace. Yet, it is still a message I needed to hear again.

When people have spoken to me about the merits of a clean conscience and all the meaning of it, I never did have any idea what they meant. I naturally tended to act of my own will and chose to believe that was not an unkindness to others. Ive done my best to not do wrong by anyone else. I did not include myself in that anthology, however. I chose to walk the right path, but always lead by other people. In the end finding myself wandering alone wondering how I could be so disconnected, so closed. What is it inside me? I’d always find that little voice thinking. How did that happen? Eventually I let myself reach a place of awareness. This place lead me to seeing that things didn’t just happen. I began to see that life is quilted together. The squares, the choices we and the people around us make. I began to feel a sense of power, the ability to be useful, important, to account for myself the choices I make. Now, I’d love to say that was it. After that, my life only went up, happily ever after, and all those easy outs. However, I have become so aware of that power, that independence. I find myself craving it like an addict. How do I control this? Push it down a little I thought. That voice in my head telling me I could just cheat a little on my clean eating. Forget about running for a few days, my muscles are achy and I’m not feeling well. Stay up a little later, watch tv this one time. Slowly all of the constraints of my former anxiety were hitting me. I found myself suffocating in a sea of justifications. Life can be stifling and I was bowing my head. Rebelling while kneeling compliantly to the throne. Tumultuous and fiery we could never actually agree on anything. Unless that is, the ridiculousness that was our relationship. So, the little voice, it’s popping up more and more with thoughts I’m not accepting, but I’m hearing it. I’m listening. When one is used to living low, it’s easy to fall down. It’s comfortably miserable there. Let’s face it. We’ve all been there before. Givng ourselves pep talks, thinking ourselves through life, and what does that all mean? Obviously, it’s a quick route to a lethargic lifestyle. That’s where I found myself today. Lethargic, empty, and lost. Thankfully, I read my body, watched the signal, felt my breath, and told the little voice to shut up. I’m back on my journey to lightness. I am going to push through. I can figure this out. I just need to be conscious. I need to live, be open, and stay conscious. Every moment is a chance to be loving. Is your heart open or closed?

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The Almond Joy of Life

My boundaries were forced open from my earliest memories. I was to be without closure, and to be open. It has been my destiny. I am an open book, a depiction, a stack of lessons, and tiny wisdoms. I am inside and outside of perception constantly within and without the confines of my mind.
I am a nut, but if I am to categorize myself, I am an almond or a cashew. One of those nutritious nuts that really gets you, and has plenty of glorious energy. You know what they say though, sometimes you feel like a nut. Sometimes, you don’t, and sometimes…I don’t feel like myself. Sometimes, I don’t know what I feel like or if I feel anything at all.
It is in these times we must remember our nutty behavior, our unique flavor. It is in these times that we must find what is within that makes us what we are.
We can talk for hours about all that we have been, could be, and hope not to be, but it is not until those hours are taken, those conversations muted, that we really get beyond our shell. It is then we go to the root, to the core, and embrace it all. Every fleck, groove, and solid thing that holds us to who we are.
That is when we feel the nuttiest of all.

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Mama? Dada?

Parents. What a tricky subject. I’m sure that you all love your mother and father, unquestionably. They are the source of your creation. Had they not existed EXACTLY as the people they are…you wouldn’t be you. I’m sure most of us can’t imagine not having our mom. I am also sure far too many of us know exactly the longing that may also have been from either parent missing. Some who are lucky enough, rebuild relationships, learn to love each other as people and not just identities, and others, well, at least they don’t hate each other.

It’s such a tricky territory because no matter how far down on the totem pole one may be, they are still destined to be grateful for one thing, always. Life. What a way to get a person to spend a lifetime feeling guilty. Why am I not enough? Who should I be instead? Is it because I’m not pretty/thin/athletic/whatever enough? Is it because I’m not the norm? These and countless other ponderings come from children without the support of both creators. The funny thing is…they only created you within the womb. They didn’t sing you to sleep. They didn’t take you trick-or-treating. They didn’t know about your first crush, first heartbreak, first trauma, and the millions of things that a person goes through to become who they are today.

Now, to get over that guilt of “not being good enough” for a parent to know you, we have to realize just how good we are. We have brains in our head, shoes on our feet, and some of us even have Dr. Seuss tattoos. We are the people who go through life trying to help others out of pain because we know it all too well. We are the ones who care, sometimes too much because we have so much more love to give and receive after fighting the darkness for so long. We accept the light inside us, and we take our life, not back, but probably into our own hands for the very first time. The funny thing is, most likely, that’s when the true opposition will come. It is funny how letting go of childhood, didn’t allow one to just let go of NOW. To say that actions that are currently affecting each moment of my day on a subconscious level because they are preventing me from living now, should be let go of, is quite incredulous if you ask me. I can accept “mistakes” of the past because as you have all heard me say here, “Sometimes we make mistakes. Mistakes that are huge.”

It would stand to reason that we all love our children, if we have them. We love them first. We love them with our whole heart, and we didn’t ask them to come to us in their first hours of life and tell us, and then hold them responsible for letting us into their lives….That is our role. We watch out for them, cry for them, laugh with them, run with them, feed them, change them, cuddle them, and teach them. Who we are with and around them….teaches them from the moment they are conscious, how to be. If we are completely lacking from that, and some people have been absent even in temporary turmoil, children will find another way. They are adaptable little creatures.

We all find another way. We don’t pound on the walls. Unless, we do, and when that doesn’t work, we stop. It is beyond inconceivable to me that someone who shows such careless disregard for one’s humanity would ever claim to have any knowledge of it. That’s the thing though, in thinking they shouldn’t claim their “knowledge,” we have come to expect an outcome. We have attached ourselves to a specific detail we believe to be universally true, but it’s not. Perception is reality, and in accepting that our perception of our life is not someone else’s, we can let go.
We know our battle wounds, scars, and triumphs. We know our glories, loves, passions, and abilities. We know our strength.

There is so much beauty in life, how can one be less than grateful? We can feel still, the hurt, pain, and maybe even, anger, but to remain thankful, that’s the art of it all. Go paint your picture. It is all up to you. Build relationships, let go of that which does not serve you, and love love love! Thank you.

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The Path to Self-Construction

The path to self construction, it is similar to the path of self destruction in that we are the only ones in charge of making it happen. There is no sure fire way to become some perfect vision of who you want to be, but there is a conscious decision to be thankful for everything you have already been and will become. We are so blessed in our conscious thought. It is a powerful tool in teaching us how to be. Not to be anything, just to be.
When we give ourselves time, it can feel selfish. It can create a distrust in ourselves as to whether we should be here now or doing something else. Is there something better we should be doing? The best way to answer that is, if there was that is what you’d be doing. We can question ourselves incessantly, hoping to find the answers to all the open-ended constantly evolving perceptions of thought, or we can choose to live life now. We can be here now, and do what we know. It ill not always be perfect, and it will come with challenges and “mistakes,” but that is what allows us to grow. If we never felt pain, how would we know joy?
That is my focus now, feeling the pain. I don’t want to hold it inside me, and let it show itself in my actions. I want to feel it inside of me quaking my nerves and sending my heart racing because when I do calm…..it will be because I’m actually letting go and not holding in. I will actually be content with the mishaps of life because I don’t push them aside and pretend they’re not there. We are all fully capable of being accountable to our pain the same way we can be accountable to our family, job, and everything else. We can’t hide from the hurt. It will find us. When it does it will have been carrying the weight of itself just as long as you have,and it will be tired. It will send that weight crashing down onto you with a force of something “unrelated.”
These weights will continue to build on top of each other, leaving us with nothing but a vague awareness that something is not right. Slowly as our self and soul begin to crush under the weight of unresolved pain, we become more aware of the uneasy feelings inside. Is it depression? Anxiety? Am I just tired or hungry? The mark of a great sufferer is the ability to be aware of internal pain. The search for the root of it inevitably only leads to more what if’s. Until, we can be honest. Once we honestly let the pain in, we can suffer and move forward. Life is a daly struggle, but only if we forget to be thankful for every blessing there is. Just waking up today can be enough. For me, today I’m thankful that I can almost just drink out of a bottle, that I’m starting to be able to use silverware again, and I can almost enjoy laying on my side. Think about it, every inhale we get is gift. Every act is an accomplishment.
The power behind the act of being born and being alive is almost unbelievable in it’s ability to be miraculous. We get to be here, we get to know we are here, and we get to choose what we do with that. We are blessed to spend our lives not seeking protection from death, but figuring out the best way we want to live! Enjoy it! There is little else more important in this world than time. It is non-negotiable. I almost spent all mine, but luckily, I still had credit in my account. That s why I’m here today. So don’t be afraid to be thankful or humble for the littlest things. After all, it’s got to grow from somewhere right? In this life we have many paths, do we choose to construct or destruct? I choose to build. Safe travels and thanks for listening!

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Approval Meets Thankful

If Approval and Thankful were two people, they would be very different wouldn’t you think? Approval dancing on top of the bar yelling, “Woo!” pausing only long enough to do body shots off her friends Desperate and Lonely. They all have a lot in common. However, where is Thankful in all this? Probably dancing right next to them. Alive and filled up they are all just seeing through different perceptions.
The mindset with which we approach anything will color our self in the experience. Approval, Desperate, Lonely, and Thankful all dance, but who was dancing for themselves versus everyone else? To live in a place of thankfulness to be alive in each moment. That doesn’t mean mistakes won’t be made or times of sadness had. It simply means we will be thankful for all of it.
Seeking approval seems like a worthwhile cause. We want others to know the potential and awesomeness we possess. We are happy when it is recognized and in craving that happiness we may find ourselves in a vicious cycle to continue to find that approval. This is the unconscious motive that I once, and still sometimes, let direct my self, or lack thereof.
When we recognize the difference between the happiness we receive from others and the happiness we create in ourselves, I believe we are instantly more thankful. A life of gratitude is within all of us. I know today we will be thankful and remember the importance of family. Hopefully, we can be thankful for the act of being itself. Tomorrow, let’s be thankful too, and in every moment after that if we dare. As always, thanks for listening, and safe journeys.

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Connected…

Connected, ebb and flow, yin and yang. They are the natural occurrences of life. Flowing through each and every part of it, thus creating a sense of balance. This creates the highs and lows, the drags and pulls of time, and the self we create. In this realization, we can hopefully find a bit of peace, internal joy, and contentment.
When things go wrong, when we make mistakes that’s when we are connected to that rush of worry our unconscious mind begins reeling, and suddenly we feel lost. It’s the breath in that very moment that can change it all. Remembering that space, that breath in between, can help us find our balance. Take that moment absorb, freak out a little, and then breathe, and move on. Keep doing the best one can do.
We are all capable of composure, clarity, and peace of mind. It occurs directly inside of us. We truly are the architects of our landscape. We are a part of and connected to it all, how could we have an impact on the Universe we exist in? We are a universe ourselves.
This sense of connection helps create compassion, love, and genuine empathy for the beings around us. We are all on different journeys to the same place. Doing the best we can. Today, I hope we can be thankful for every thing, being, and thought around us. As always, thanks for listening and safe journeys.

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Break, Breaking, Broken…The Cycle

When one decides to start seeing someone on a regular basis, the connotation is always going to be that they are dating, and then in a relationship. For most people, I guess, that’s how it goes. Except, I’m not sure that’s really the case. As a society, it would seem we are programmed to watch relationships evolve and assume they are working because they are continuing. However, just because something keeps going, doesn’t mean it’s working does it?
I find relationships to be as confusing as quantum physics, and truthfully, I’d rather know more about the latter. So here I sit, wishing I would have meditated this morning and happy to be writing with you. There is a cycle to things…it’s almost impossible to get a clean break from anything. Usually, something is lost in the process. Today, we all face choices, emotions, relationships, and self. Here’s to finding joy in all of it, here’s to having hope, and here’s to moving forward. There will always be challenges and discomfort in times of change and evolution. We have the courage to make the change, and we have the power to be the evolution. Life is an art, a beautiful web we design as we live. That’s the journey, the “circle of life,” if you will, and so smile. Stand up and be. As always thanks for listening and safe journeys.