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The Almond Joy of Life

My boundaries were forced open from my earliest memories. I was to be without closure, and to be open. It has been my destiny. I am an open book, a depiction, a stack of lessons, and tiny wisdoms. I am inside and outside of perception constantly within and without the confines of my mind.
I am a nut, but if I am to categorize myself, I am an almond or a cashew. One of those nutritious nuts that really gets you, and has plenty of glorious energy. You know what they say though, sometimes you feel like a nut. Sometimes, you don’t, and sometimes…I don’t feel like myself. Sometimes, I don’t know what I feel like or if I feel anything at all.
It is in these times we must remember our nutty behavior, our unique flavor. It is in these times that we must find what is within that makes us what we are.
We can talk for hours about all that we have been, could be, and hope not to be, but it is not until those hours are taken, those conversations muted, that we really get beyond our shell. It is then we go to the root, to the core, and embrace it all. Every fleck, groove, and solid thing that holds us to who we are.
That is when we feel the nuttiest of all.

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Bye Facebook

I have so much to say and yet have no words.
So many variables in life its absurd.
What is that you heard? That I fly free like a bird?
More like chained to the earth grounded in discontent.
Unhappy with humanity lets escape to heaven sent let this mortality be spent forget about debt. No more bills no more rent.
Simply a consciousness, an awareness, a being.
Wouldn’t that be so entirely freeing? We could flow, float, and flee away from these binds of gravity.
Lets return to something heavenly.
An existence we know only in the minds eye, an existence that goes far beyond the bluest sky, an existence we know does not lie.
Does not judge, doesn’t not categorize.
Free of duality, this good and bad fantasy because it really all just is.
Yes it really is just now.
There is only perception to explain the how, the what, the where, and when.
Since when you really think about it, how did time begin?
What is this all anyway?
It’s only what we have all agreed to say,
That it is and its this and that’s all that there is.
Yet it could be so much more, it could be an open door, into the next horizon, into another crazy sky.
It could be there is no answer to the how when where and why.
Is that what heaven is?
An eternal bliss of knowing there’s no answer, of knowing there’s no secret,
That you simply agree to breathe and be it…
Whatever it is, that’s what we defined,
Inside our ever curious expanding mind
That is the essence the core the root the glory
The ever common part of this beautiful changing story.
So while humanity may cause grief, sorrow, and a bit of trouble…
We are coming away from all the rubble, the destruction, the lies.
Slowly but surely we are coming to realize there is more to life, than to judge and criticize.
We are embracing the notion of kindness and peace.
What a beautiful, sweet, heavenly release.

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When You Are Tired of Being the Bigger Person

Most days, I do my best not to think about the things that cause me pain. We all do. It’s human nature, the process of avoiding it, is part of cognitive dissonance. It literally causes the brain pain to challenge thoughts and beliefs in your central nervous system. It also allows us to mirror to people that which we receive and perceive, as a way of hiding. It’s quite the beautiful discovery, cognitive dissonance. However, upon knowing of its existence, one can’t help but face it from time to time. Attempting to be the bigger person, more powerful than the brain which seeks what it knows as comfort.

For the majority of my life, I was one person. Hiding behind all of my insecurities, and believing broken was a state of permanence, something inescapable, binding me to my fears, anxieties, and lack of faith. I have since “suffered” a blow to that belief system, a conk on the head. I awakened in that moment. My frontal lobe, and a lot about me was changed. In one moment, I became a different person. I shed a skin. I realized, I am a creator. I am, and I choose what to put after those sacred words.

I had always thought being the bigger person was not showing your feelings. I thought it was a way of holding it all in. I thought it was about being strong enough to let others walk all over you, and being okay with it. I thought wrong. I believed myself to be insignificant compared to others, with dysfunction to the core…who wasn’t more put together than I?

Little did I know, the answer is that most people are not put together. We are puzzles, sent here with all the pieces, but with no idea what the full picture is going to look like. I have been struggling a lot with my anger lately. These pieces of the puzzle I have that don’t seem to fit, and which, I can’t stop looking at….even though they cause me pain.

I am facing the cognitive dissonance of moving outside being unwanted by your creator. I am facing the feeling of believing someday, this person, this “father” will fulfill the role which most are designed for. Before I began the journey to facing this, other people would say how they couldn’t believe him, how they hated him, how they didn’t understand, and how he is a total a$$hole, douche, or whatever name they felt fitting. I always allowed their anger, but never, my own. Sadness, anguish, confusion, and despair were my only feelings when it came to him. I wasn’t yet strong enough for anger.

Now, I find myself angry. I want to know what it is to be cared about, and to be seen by the person who has transcended his own brokenness. Maybe it’s the mirror cells, I think sometimes. Maybe it’s him, maybe it is you. Mostly, I think it’s me. Then I get lost in being the “bigger person.” “You just aren’t right for his life. You are just too painful to see. You just don’t fit his image. You just remind him of everything he failed at. You just don’t have the right appearance. You just aren’t right.” This has lead to a couple of pity parties, and a lot of self-deprecating behavior.

Today, I know enough to trust my feelings more than my thoughts. I wish beyond all I know, that was enough to stop them. Everyday, I work towards letting go of him. Everyday, I battle my thoughts that are negative about me when it comes to my thoughts about him. Everyday, I am stronger for my conscious awareness that I don’t want to feel that way anymore. We choose. We accept. We don’t always understand. I remind myself incessantly, I approve of myself. I approve of this message.

Most things I write, have a positive twist, I’m looking for one now. I believe the truth of the matter is, I get tired of this incessant cycle from time to time, but I can’t change it without accepting and moving forward. Something I am a warrior for everyday. Some days, I wonder about my strength to keep going, I feel so sad. Yet, I do keep going. Right now, I am facing a lot of insecurities as head on as anyone could, well, not want to, but I am. I am because this daily battle that has gone on for years subconsciously, and now, brought to light has made me a bigger person. It has allowed me to be consciously aware of that which is one of the core reasons for my inability to see me, myself.

I am worthy of love. I am worthy of care, and just because a person who is supposed to, doesn’t…Well, it doesn’t mean that I’m not here surrounded by those who do. A conk on the head can play a lot of games with your mind. It literally changes your brain, but it doesn’t change your heart. We beat our mind with our heart, and when we get tired of being the bigger person, it is not our brain that is aching, it’s our heart.

Thankfully, for every ache we can feel the gap, we can feel a bit more joy, and while there are days that seems impossible, there are more days now it seems it is. When you are tired of being the bigger person, stop thinking and start feeling. Find the root, and do your best to stay conscious of it.

As always thanks for listening. Just curious, what do you do when you are tired of shouldering the past?

Safe journeys.

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Is This the Truth or is That?

What is truth? If I see a shirt and say it’s green and you say it’s turquoise…Am I a liar? I have been coming into some sudden and blunt realizations about truth. After a lot of pondering, I went directly to the source. Hello, dictionary.com. We meet again. As usual, looking up words in the dictionary proves to be ever more fascinating. Don’t believe me? Find the route cause of something that is bothering you and look up the word in the dictionary. I promise, you’ll be surprised at the insight you’ll find. Here’s mine:
Truth, it’s etymology is Middle English, coming from an old english word  for fidelity, and at it’s beginning faithful. Obviously then, it’s first definition is, fidelity or constancy. The funny thing about fidelity is that it is the quality or state of being, something that is ever changing, being placed next to the word constancy sounds a bit paradoxical doesn’t it?  Well it may sound that way, but it is actually possible to be practicing a state of constancy isn’t it? One must be steadfast of mind under duress. Oh, and we must also be unchanging. This was just the first, and archaic definition though. So I kept digging. Fidelity lead me to exactness, which lead me down the wormhole to it’s synonym, correct. Here we go folks, this is how one can be “correct.” We must MAKE or SET right, ALTER or ADJUST to bring to a standard, or to PUNISH, or point out. Now, I can feel you starting to wonder, “Why is this girl going on telling me the definitions of all these different words?” Well because in order to define truth, I think we must first define that which makes up it’s definition. After all, this is all about getting to the root of things. I could go on about how all the synonyms for correct are far different from that which most of us would answer, but I’ll save that for another day. 
Back to the truth, part b: sincerity in action, character, and utterance. So, if one is being sincere, they are being truthful then right? Well, sincerity is the act of being sincere. It is honesty of mind, and it is freedom from hypocrisy. The act of being sincere in this day in age would sort of require us to live just a bit outside the norm at this point wouldn’t? Hypocrisy is everywhere. Well, maybe then we can just be sincere. So to be sincere, we must be honest, pure, and true. According to the dictionary. At this point we must be sincere to be true, true to be sincere, completely unchanging, yet always adjusting and altering, and we haven’t even made it to the SECOND definition. 
I could go on forever through all of these words searching for the “truth” of the truth, but guess what the truth is indefinable. It is completely individual. When two people have different perceptions, they are not both lying. They are both sharing their truth. We tend to see difference in belief as a challenge to “who we are.” However, part of being strong in the self, is accepting that other people may not believe the same way that we do. We have all had different experiences, relationships, and lives that have developed our sense of cognitive reasoning.
It is truly a feat of socialization that we have come to a place where differences are what keep us apart instead of what bring us together. We focus so little on compassion, love, heart, beauty, and our truth that we get lost in the world of what makes me different. I have this and that. I take this. I was born here. Well, we were all born, and we will all die. These are two things that literally every life form can share together. Those are pretty huge similarities in the midst of it all. This is a transient place to rest our heads for awhile and ponder the ways of the world. We are within the infinite when we close our eyes. We have super computers to the billionth in our brain. We have capabilities that far exceed any technology we know today, and we focus on keeping everything….constant and unchanging.                                                                                                         Let’s start seeking our truth.Truth is ever unfolding. Truth is as evolving as we are. The reason it has become such a paradoxical explanation is because to truly define it we would have to tell the world that it’s okay to be in a constant state of evolution. That is also truth. It would create a sense of unity in that we are all in this journey together with core consciousness and the will to create our reality. This need to be separate would become unnecessary because we would see that was never really true in the first place. 
For today, I am learning to accept that my truth, my green and your truth, might be two different shades, but we are both seeing clearly. That is simply the nature of things.

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Feelings: The Sixth Sense?

Senses, for all of our developmental years, we are taught that we have merely five. That we can see with our eyes, hear with our ears, taste with our mouths, and touch with our hands. Now, lately i find myself debating these facts. Are those truly the only five senses we have and develop? Many people would say, obviously not. However, they can’t tell you exactly what the magic “sixth sense” is. We will hear words like ESP, subtle senses, and intuition. However, that is not a developed trait that all human beings feature. Feelings, however are everywhere and always.

Feelings, I have been doing a lot of research on feelings and what they “are.” In my mind, though, they are another sense. A sense of the body and the constant energetic shifts it is going through. Feelings are our navigational tool to promote self-realization and understanding. Without feelings, we would only know the logic-base of being alive. Feelings are definitely a sense of the organ of the brain. Without which the neurotransmitters and chemical reactions that we know as “emotional reactions,” would not exist. It is only though, with the conscious realization that we control our reaction to things, that frees us from our emotions. We are not enslaved to these chemical reactions, just as we are not enslaved by our allergies.

Yes, we may have malfunctions such as pink eye, runny nose, burned tongues, or clogged ears, but we are aware of the malfunction and we operate outside of our discomfort. Can we say the same of our emotions? Do we recognize that there is always the possibility that an emotional reaction is just a bit of a malfunction and not quite within the comfort of “who we are?” It is said that feelings can be measured in direct proportion to how much we like or dislike something. It is a correlation of the mind then, and not the mind itself which creates feelings. Our brain is able to fix upon a particular object, thought, shape, color, pattern, or really anything and decide like or dislike. Once, that happens depending on the external consciousness around us, we find ourselves developing certain feelings about these seemingly inconsequential moments of now. Therein, these reactions of emotions are then varied depending on the function of the brain and the external world around us. Could we not then infer that our feelings are a sense that we use to help navigate emotional distress and elation? I believe that if we look at the logic pattern of subconscious, conscious, choice, emotion, feeling, and realization we can see that feeling is what makes sense of the interaction.

If we were to openly see feeling as a separate sense that can be developed, we would learn that emotions are tricky. We would be able to understand that our subconscious takes in things at a rate faster than our waking state, and that is what creates conscious decision making. Knowing that, how could we not then see that the emotions that stem from that choice are purely a reaction to the choice itself? With all of this information, I think it is simple to find ourselves seeing even more clearly that feelings than, are the sense that give us pause from the instantaneous chemical response to choice and it’s externalization in our consciousness. We can begin to learn to develop out of cognitive dissonance, and the emotional reactions of disbelief, offense, anxiety, and fear. We are just not as developed in our sensory ability to manifest the emotions into feelings of faith, trust, and love. This is an ability that any human brain has the ability to function through given meditation, yoga, good nutrition, support, and love. It is interesting that we seem to be so engulfed by our emotions. We call them disorders, imbalances, and other superficial terms that only serve to gloss over the shallow surface. Where is the depth?

We understand now that the brain is capable of so much more than what we have previously given credit to, and in accepting that knowledge I hope we can begin to foster our feelings into those of success. We are the creators, the ones who manifest, we are the feelers of the Universe. That is our humanity. We are emotional, we feel, we touch, we see, we hear, we taste, and we are aware of it all. Let’s open ourselves to the idea that feeling is natural, but we are not powerless over it. Let’s look our emotions down to their roots, and let’s manifest something better. We are powerful beyond measure, and we are not just our mind, emotions, heart, or body. We are all of that manifested together into the conscious energetic field of life. This is our sixth sense, to feel.

How many more have you discovered?

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Mama? Dada?

Parents. What a tricky subject. I’m sure that you all love your mother and father, unquestionably. They are the source of your creation. Had they not existed EXACTLY as the people they are…you wouldn’t be you. I’m sure most of us can’t imagine not having our mom. I am also sure far too many of us know exactly the longing that may also have been from either parent missing. Some who are lucky enough, rebuild relationships, learn to love each other as people and not just identities, and others, well, at least they don’t hate each other.

It’s such a tricky territory because no matter how far down on the totem pole one may be, they are still destined to be grateful for one thing, always. Life. What a way to get a person to spend a lifetime feeling guilty. Why am I not enough? Who should I be instead? Is it because I’m not pretty/thin/athletic/whatever enough? Is it because I’m not the norm? These and countless other ponderings come from children without the support of both creators. The funny thing is…they only created you within the womb. They didn’t sing you to sleep. They didn’t take you trick-or-treating. They didn’t know about your first crush, first heartbreak, first trauma, and the millions of things that a person goes through to become who they are today.

Now, to get over that guilt of “not being good enough” for a parent to know you, we have to realize just how good we are. We have brains in our head, shoes on our feet, and some of us even have Dr. Seuss tattoos. We are the people who go through life trying to help others out of pain because we know it all too well. We are the ones who care, sometimes too much because we have so much more love to give and receive after fighting the darkness for so long. We accept the light inside us, and we take our life, not back, but probably into our own hands for the very first time. The funny thing is, most likely, that’s when the true opposition will come. It is funny how letting go of childhood, didn’t allow one to just let go of NOW. To say that actions that are currently affecting each moment of my day on a subconscious level because they are preventing me from living now, should be let go of, is quite incredulous if you ask me. I can accept “mistakes” of the past because as you have all heard me say here, “Sometimes we make mistakes. Mistakes that are huge.”

It would stand to reason that we all love our children, if we have them. We love them first. We love them with our whole heart, and we didn’t ask them to come to us in their first hours of life and tell us, and then hold them responsible for letting us into their lives….That is our role. We watch out for them, cry for them, laugh with them, run with them, feed them, change them, cuddle them, and teach them. Who we are with and around them….teaches them from the moment they are conscious, how to be. If we are completely lacking from that, and some people have been absent even in temporary turmoil, children will find another way. They are adaptable little creatures.

We all find another way. We don’t pound on the walls. Unless, we do, and when that doesn’t work, we stop. It is beyond inconceivable to me that someone who shows such careless disregard for one’s humanity would ever claim to have any knowledge of it. That’s the thing though, in thinking they shouldn’t claim their “knowledge,” we have come to expect an outcome. We have attached ourselves to a specific detail we believe to be universally true, but it’s not. Perception is reality, and in accepting that our perception of our life is not someone else’s, we can let go.
We know our battle wounds, scars, and triumphs. We know our glories, loves, passions, and abilities. We know our strength.

There is so much beauty in life, how can one be less than grateful? We can feel still, the hurt, pain, and maybe even, anger, but to remain thankful, that’s the art of it all. Go paint your picture. It is all up to you. Build relationships, let go of that which does not serve you, and love love love! Thank you.

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The Devil’s Advocate

They move in darkness and believe in it too. Motivated by a need to see others as insecure and fearful as themselves. One can fight a devil’s advocate, but not for long. As they use emotions, and not logic, to pinpoint our weaknesses. They use a soft tone that makes one feel as though they can’t scream loud enough. They use sharp words to make one feel dull. Before one knows it they are feeling the pressure of anger building behind the bones in their face like water rushing through a creek. It is funny because this pressure is quite literally becoming unusual. Why wouldn’t it since the bones can barely take the pressure of daily existence, let alone the unnecessary added pressure of anger.
Anger is toxic. It’s as toxic as the drinks and smokes a devil’s advocate consumes to help them feel internal balances, never realizing the answer is pure joy inside of themselves and, not these toxic outer hindrances, that actually bring peace of mind. It’s the bliss of consciousness that actually builds strength in the face of fear and not hiding behind various realms of possibility.
It is unfortunate to think a devil’a advocate could be anywhere. It’s even sadder to think they could be you. We all have that place in ourselves that is dark and menacing. The place that says the quiet things that no one ever knows. However, why would we play advocate for bringing those thoughts to the surface? Ought we not to encourage one another to move forward in love and light? Do we not want better for those who come after us?
Should one let another go blindly into shit? No, probably not. However, it is only the devil’s advocate who sees that in the future. Creatures who see light, love, opportunity, and abundance see faith, perseverance, humility, and gratitude as their allies in the ability to create the future desires of their mind. Having goals that are specific is important, but at the end of the day if we don’t believe in ourselves and have faith in humanity how can we expect to find the life we want? If we don’t believe there is good in the world, how can we ever expect to find it?
Honestly, we are all connected to one another, and we are all an expression of the perception we create. Today, I am finding that creating a perception based on mindfulness, meditation, love, light, and faith may just scare many people. It is a journey to fearlessness that I am on. I want only to be the kind of person I want my child to be. Independent, confident, strong, vibrant, with a good heart, soul, mind, and spirit. I want him to go into the world with big dreams and an absolute belief he can and will succeed. I want him to believe he can do anything. So, how then, can I do anything less?
I promise today and everyday to believe in love, unity, peace, freedom, light, and the power we all have within. I will fight everyday for my life’s purpose. I will only be stronger for every devil’s advocate who chooses to live in the dark. Hopefully, one day, we can see each other in the light. I choose to accept that I may not be “smart” enough in your eyes, to accept that you will question my dreams, and to forgive you and love you anyway. Because what you think of me and my life is none of my business. I am my soul and I am living in love. I am at peace. I am.
Thanks for listening and safe journeys.