Most days, I do my best not to think about the things that cause me pain. We all do. It’s human nature, the process of avoiding it, is part of cognitive dissonance. It literally causes the brain pain to challenge thoughts and beliefs in your central nervous system. It also allows us to mirror to people that which we receive and perceive, as a way of hiding. It’s quite the beautiful discovery, cognitive dissonance. However, upon knowing of its existence, one can’t help but face it from time to time. Attempting to be the bigger person, more powerful than the brain which seeks what it knows as comfort.
For the majority of my life, I was one person. Hiding behind all of my insecurities, and believing broken was a state of permanence, something inescapable, binding me to my fears, anxieties, and lack of faith. I have since “suffered” a blow to that belief system, a conk on the head. I awakened in that moment. My frontal lobe, and a lot about me was changed. In one moment, I became a different person. I shed a skin. I realized, I am a creator. I am, and I choose what to put after those sacred words.
I had always thought being the bigger person was not showing your feelings. I thought it was a way of holding it all in. I thought it was about being strong enough to let others walk all over you, and being okay with it. I thought wrong. I believed myself to be insignificant compared to others, with dysfunction to the core…who wasn’t more put together than I?
Little did I know, the answer is that most people are not put together. We are puzzles, sent here with all the pieces, but with no idea what the full picture is going to look like. I have been struggling a lot with my anger lately. These pieces of the puzzle I have that don’t seem to fit, and which, I can’t stop looking at….even though they cause me pain.
I am facing the cognitive dissonance of moving outside being unwanted by your creator. I am facing the feeling of believing someday, this person, this “father” will fulfill the role which most are designed for. Before I began the journey to facing this, other people would say how they couldn’t believe him, how they hated him, how they didn’t understand, and how he is a total a$$hole, douche, or whatever name they felt fitting. I always allowed their anger, but never, my own. Sadness, anguish, confusion, and despair were my only feelings when it came to him. I wasn’t yet strong enough for anger.
Now, I find myself angry. I want to know what it is to be cared about, and to be seen by the person who has transcended his own brokenness. Maybe it’s the mirror cells, I think sometimes. Maybe it’s him, maybe it is you. Mostly, I think it’s me. Then I get lost in being the “bigger person.” “You just aren’t right for his life. You are just too painful to see. You just don’t fit his image. You just remind him of everything he failed at. You just don’t have the right appearance. You just aren’t right.” This has lead to a couple of pity parties, and a lot of self-deprecating behavior.
Today, I know enough to trust my feelings more than my thoughts. I wish beyond all I know, that was enough to stop them. Everyday, I work towards letting go of him. Everyday, I battle my thoughts that are negative about me when it comes to my thoughts about him. Everyday, I am stronger for my conscious awareness that I don’t want to feel that way anymore. We choose. We accept. We don’t always understand. I remind myself incessantly, I approve of myself. I approve of this message.
Most things I write, have a positive twist, I’m looking for one now. I believe the truth of the matter is, I get tired of this incessant cycle from time to time, but I can’t change it without accepting and moving forward. Something I am a warrior for everyday. Some days, I wonder about my strength to keep going, I feel so sad. Yet, I do keep going. Right now, I am facing a lot of insecurities as head on as anyone could, well, not want to, but I am. I am because this daily battle that has gone on for years subconsciously, and now, brought to light has made me a bigger person. It has allowed me to be consciously aware of that which is one of the core reasons for my inability to see me, myself.
I am worthy of love. I am worthy of care, and just because a person who is supposed to, doesn’t…Well, it doesn’t mean that I’m not here surrounded by those who do. A conk on the head can play a lot of games with your mind. It literally changes your brain, but it doesn’t change your heart. We beat our mind with our heart, and when we get tired of being the bigger person, it is not our brain that is aching, it’s our heart.
Thankfully, for every ache we can feel the gap, we can feel a bit more joy, and while there are days that seems impossible, there are more days now it seems it is. When you are tired of being the bigger person, stop thinking and start feeling. Find the root, and do your best to stay conscious of it.
As always thanks for listening. Just curious, what do you do when you are tired of shouldering the past?