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Sanctuary, I mean January…

Here we are, January 1, 2015. Looking back is something I do my best not to do too much of these days, but I find myself thinking about something today. Coming into 2014, I was in such a different place. I had moved to a new city that was my old speed. I was thankful to be there again. Yet, I was fearful for my life. Having read all of the articles that said teeth could lead to death, heart disease, and so many other things I felt desperate to fix them. I felt like a failure for being unable to come right back up from my accident. I had no car, no money, and no hope to recover my health. So, I determined that I would become a dancer when I moved back here. I would be a scantily clad companion/therapist for lonely men and women. It would save me, I kept telling myself. Nobody can help you, but you. Nobody has to do anything for you. Nobody owes you anything. You are the only person who has a reason to pay for this. You have to find a way. I was using thought processes meant to encourage to beat my soul into submission. I let my ego run rampant. Fear and desperation almost always lead to acting from our mind, not our heart. The thing is, I spent most all of my savings getting here. It would literally break me to invest in this job. I did it anyway. I didn’t want to die is all I could think. I wanted to be in charge. I wanted to save myself. I told my friends, some family, and Mom because I wasn’t ashamed. I was trying to be brave. I was trying to sacrifice my soul to gain back what I lost in the physical. I will say when a doctor tells you, you have a ticking time bomb in your mouth, you can go a little crazy. I still made a very conscious decision. I found a place, and I went into audition. I was shaking, positively vibrating with nerves. I got through it as a true novice, and even managed to be accepted. I started that night. It only took three shifts for my body to fill with dread. Other women may be able to thrive in this environment, but that is not my story. Thankfully, a kindred spirit did her best to help me, and in the end, unintentionally saved me from continuing to make a mistake. I had to put the fear of death and disease down. I had to accept that I was not where I wanted to be. I had to believe I could find a better way. That was December. Entering 2014, I put my faith in God and myself. I had hair to do, babies to sit, and I could pay all my bills. I am coming up on two years since the crash, and living with these teeth and no car has changed my perception so much. They have taught me how to face insecurity. They have taught me how to live, and to let go of the burdens of that which cannot be changed. I am more considerate, less judgmental, and more understanding. For this, I am extremely grateful. When I look back, and I remember how convinced I was, I do my best to apply it to my understanding of perception. We see what we need to see to survive our psyche, to win the war with fear or submit to it. I know I am less fearful for everyday I live this way. I know I am stronger. I still worry occasionally, but I can put it down now. Sometimes, the hardest things, the dumbest things, and the saddest things are what foster the best in us. They force us to choose who we are, and what we are willing to accept. They are what allow us to be accepting and unconditionally loving. It is the darkness that allows the light to shine after all. Coming in to 2015, I know I am willing to do healthy and positive things to continue on this path, to let things come together at the right speed, and to look at life in the moment because life isn’t worth it if you are afraid to live it.

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Is This the Truth or is That?

What is truth? If I see a shirt and say it’s green and you say it’s turquoise…Am I a liar? I have been coming into some sudden and blunt realizations about truth. After a lot of pondering, I went directly to the source. Hello, dictionary.com. We meet again. As usual, looking up words in the dictionary proves to be ever more fascinating. Don’t believe me? Find the route cause of something that is bothering you and look up the word in the dictionary. I promise, you’ll be surprised at the insight you’ll find. Here’s mine:
Truth, it’s etymology is Middle English, coming from an old english word  for fidelity, and at it’s beginning faithful. Obviously then, it’s first definition is, fidelity or constancy. The funny thing about fidelity is that it is the quality or state of being, something that is ever changing, being placed next to the word constancy sounds a bit paradoxical doesn’t it?  Well it may sound that way, but it is actually possible to be practicing a state of constancy isn’t it? One must be steadfast of mind under duress. Oh, and we must also be unchanging. This was just the first, and archaic definition though. So I kept digging. Fidelity lead me to exactness, which lead me down the wormhole to it’s synonym, correct. Here we go folks, this is how one can be “correct.” We must MAKE or SET right, ALTER or ADJUST to bring to a standard, or to PUNISH, or point out. Now, I can feel you starting to wonder, “Why is this girl going on telling me the definitions of all these different words?” Well because in order to define truth, I think we must first define that which makes up it’s definition. After all, this is all about getting to the root of things. I could go on about how all the synonyms for correct are far different from that which most of us would answer, but I’ll save that for another day. 
Back to the truth, part b: sincerity in action, character, and utterance. So, if one is being sincere, they are being truthful then right? Well, sincerity is the act of being sincere. It is honesty of mind, and it is freedom from hypocrisy. The act of being sincere in this day in age would sort of require us to live just a bit outside the norm at this point wouldn’t? Hypocrisy is everywhere. Well, maybe then we can just be sincere. So to be sincere, we must be honest, pure, and true. According to the dictionary. At this point we must be sincere to be true, true to be sincere, completely unchanging, yet always adjusting and altering, and we haven’t even made it to the SECOND definition. 
I could go on forever through all of these words searching for the “truth” of the truth, but guess what the truth is indefinable. It is completely individual. When two people have different perceptions, they are not both lying. They are both sharing their truth. We tend to see difference in belief as a challenge to “who we are.” However, part of being strong in the self, is accepting that other people may not believe the same way that we do. We have all had different experiences, relationships, and lives that have developed our sense of cognitive reasoning.
It is truly a feat of socialization that we have come to a place where differences are what keep us apart instead of what bring us together. We focus so little on compassion, love, heart, beauty, and our truth that we get lost in the world of what makes me different. I have this and that. I take this. I was born here. Well, we were all born, and we will all die. These are two things that literally every life form can share together. Those are pretty huge similarities in the midst of it all. This is a transient place to rest our heads for awhile and ponder the ways of the world. We are within the infinite when we close our eyes. We have super computers to the billionth in our brain. We have capabilities that far exceed any technology we know today, and we focus on keeping everything….constant and unchanging.                                                                                                         Let’s start seeking our truth.Truth is ever unfolding. Truth is as evolving as we are. The reason it has become such a paradoxical explanation is because to truly define it we would have to tell the world that it’s okay to be in a constant state of evolution. That is also truth. It would create a sense of unity in that we are all in this journey together with core consciousness and the will to create our reality. This need to be separate would become unnecessary because we would see that was never really true in the first place. 
For today, I am learning to accept that my truth, my green and your truth, might be two different shades, but we are both seeing clearly. That is simply the nature of things.

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Blessed In

As I sit here fully guided by the universe dreamy, yawning, and grounded. Thankful for the amazing blessings of today. I had such moments of enlightenment. We don’t SEE things….we sense them, our eyes view them, and our ego perceives it. It’s interesting because we don’t have to see a dog, a car, or a person to know it’s there. Yet, it feels as though we find ourselves relying so heavily on what we see, that we forget, either way, it’s there.
Images, emotions, and reactions can be created without seeing, without needing, anything. We are fully capable of creating the Universe around us. That power lies in our brain, heart, and most importantly strength of mind. It is a special gift to be a human. Capable of art, of thought, and expression. We can do so many things. We are such special creatures. We can love, hope, interact, and live so simply. There are rarely lions chasing us down.
I know that we all face challenges. Heartbreak, loss, sadness, and struggle are parts of feeling love, joy, and triumph. Today, I am thankful for the balance, for honesty, and for evolution. Im thankful for you, too. Safe travels. 🙂

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Eclectic Realism

As strong as one may feel all the time, there are always moments of weakness. Balance would simply have it no other way. Yesterday, I witnessed myself as a milder version of the self of my past. It was disconcerting to say the least, but in that recognition I am thankful.
Thankful that I knew to seek guidance. Thankful to not hide away my feelings, but to accept them openly. Thankful to know I only wanted to move forward. I’m blessed to have connected and conversed with a kindred spirit. In accepting moments of humanity we are allowing our self to be open and honest.
Let’s face it, life is simple and somewhat undetermined. If we can truly stay observant and logical in nature without absorbing the energy of others…we have truly found enlightenment. To be overwhelmed by energy is to be exhausted, it’s as though our aura went from yellow to gray. All the while hugging and loving others because it’s my favorite way to power through.
So to be free from there, and blessed with the amazing day I had to day was, simply vibrant. Michael is wonderful, we had a great day. I went to a heated yoga class with two friends and pushed myself to new heights! It was intense, but I loved it. I feel restored. I have a sense of peace and beauty in the world. It helps that today everything looked like a painting. The clouds painted with the thick promise of a silver lining. It was positively enlightening. Which is all I had hoped for…thank you.
Today I hope that everyday is this for all. Balance, love and light. Thanks for listening, and safe journeys!