Here we are, January 1, 2015. Looking back is something I do my best not to do too much of these days, but I find myself thinking about something today. Coming into 2014, I was in such a different place. I had moved to a new city that was my old speed. I was thankful to be there again. Yet, I was fearful for my life. Having read all of the articles that said teeth could lead to death, heart disease, and so many other things I felt desperate to fix them. I felt like a failure for being unable to come right back up from my accident. I had no car, no money, and no hope to recover my health. So, I determined that I would become a dancer when I moved back here. I would be a scantily clad companion/therapist for lonely men and women. It would save me, I kept telling myself. Nobody can help you, but you. Nobody has to do anything for you. Nobody owes you anything. You are the only person who has a reason to pay for this. You have to find a way. I was using thought processes meant to encourage to beat my soul into submission. I let my ego run rampant. Fear and desperation almost always lead to acting from our mind, not our heart. The thing is, I spent most all of my savings getting here. It would literally break me to invest in this job. I did it anyway. I didn’t want to die is all I could think. I wanted to be in charge. I wanted to save myself. I told my friends, some family, and Mom because I wasn’t ashamed. I was trying to be brave. I was trying to sacrifice my soul to gain back what I lost in the physical. I will say when a doctor tells you, you have a ticking time bomb in your mouth, you can go a little crazy. I still made a very conscious decision. I found a place, and I went into audition. I was shaking, positively vibrating with nerves. I got through it as a true novice, and even managed to be accepted. I started that night. It only took three shifts for my body to fill with dread. Other women may be able to thrive in this environment, but that is not my story. Thankfully, a kindred spirit did her best to help me, and in the end, unintentionally saved me from continuing to make a mistake. I had to put the fear of death and disease down. I had to accept that I was not where I wanted to be. I had to believe I could find a better way. That was December. Entering 2014, I put my faith in God and myself. I had hair to do, babies to sit, and I could pay all my bills. I am coming up on two years since the crash, and living with these teeth and no car has changed my perception so much. They have taught me how to face insecurity. They have taught me how to live, and to let go of the burdens of that which cannot be changed. I am more considerate, less judgmental, and more understanding. For this, I am extremely grateful. When I look back, and I remember how convinced I was, I do my best to apply it to my understanding of perception. We see what we need to see to survive our psyche, to win the war with fear or submit to it. I know I am less fearful for everyday I live this way. I know I am stronger. I still worry occasionally, but I can put it down now. Sometimes, the hardest things, the dumbest things, and the saddest things are what foster the best in us. They force us to choose who we are, and what we are willing to accept. They are what allow us to be accepting and unconditionally loving. It is the darkness that allows the light to shine after all. Coming in to 2015, I know I am willing to do healthy and positive things to continue on this path, to let things come together at the right speed, and to look at life in the moment because life isn’t worth it if you are afraid to live it.
It is amazing to me the knowledge we carry around, remember, and forget constantly. I wrote this two years ago, but it is true to my life even now. I have grown a lot in self love, confidence, and peace. Yet, it is still a message I needed to hear again.
When people have spoken to me about the merits of a clean conscience and all the meaning of it, I never did have any idea what they meant. I naturally tended to act of my own will and chose to believe that was not an unkindness to others. Ive done my best to not do wrong by anyone else. I did not include myself in that anthology, however. I chose to walk the right path, but always lead by other people. In the end finding myself wandering alone wondering how I could be so disconnected, so closed. What is it inside me? I’d always find that little voice thinking. How did that happen? Eventually I let myself reach a place of awareness. This place lead me to seeing that things didn’t just happen. I began to see that life is quilted together. The squares, the choices we and the people around us make. I began to feel a sense of power, the ability to be useful, important, to account for myself the choices I make. Now, I’d love to say that was it. After that, my life only went up, happily ever after, and all those easy outs. However, I have become so aware of that power, that independence. I find myself craving it like an addict. How do I control this? Push it down a little I thought. That voice in my head telling me I could just cheat a little on my clean eating. Forget about running for a few days, my muscles are achy and I’m not feeling well. Stay up a little later, watch tv this one time. Slowly all of the constraints of my former anxiety were hitting me. I found myself suffocating in a sea of justifications. Life can be stifling and I was bowing my head. Rebelling while kneeling compliantly to the throne. Tumultuous and fiery we could never actually agree on anything. Unless that is, the ridiculousness that was our relationship. So, the little voice, it’s popping up more and more with thoughts I’m not accepting, but I’m hearing it. I’m listening. When one is used to living low, it’s easy to fall down. It’s comfortably miserable there. Let’s face it. We’ve all been there before. Givng ourselves pep talks, thinking ourselves through life, and what does that all mean? Obviously, it’s a quick route to a lethargic lifestyle. That’s where I found myself today. Lethargic, empty, and lost. Thankfully, I read my body, watched the signal, felt my breath, and told the little voice to shut up. I’m back on my journey to lightness. I am going to push through. I can figure this out. I just need to be conscious. I need to live, be open, and stay conscious. Every moment is a chance to be loving. Is your heart open or closed?
I did my best to close out the feelings before I could express them…isn’t that the way? Otherwise, I will have to walk fully through it. I had nightmares about this exact type of man, or more accurately men, my whole life. I was always running from a man attacking me in my dreams….running running running yet finding no destination. No place to call home because i have been running from my own immortal soul. Tonight when these men became a reality I have seen be immensely shattering, I knew this was the moment I broke the cycle. I would not be intimidated, I would say NO, I would not like you three “gentleman” to run a train on me. Thank God for security, fast feet, and bravery. Thank God for releasing me from my mental slavery. Tonight has been the biggest surprise I have had in a long time. I read aloud to strangers my own internal rhyme. I released my rhythm, released my flow. Let go of some fear so I can start to grow. I cried as I read my words…Thankfully, with grace. Because I knew I was showing more than my face. I was showing my heart, my soul, on a sidewalk in front of people I don’t even know, and even as the tears fell I could feel my heart swell because HERE I AM….me queen of stage fright releasing one of my most intimate poems. Freeing myself in the process. I went to downtown Las Vegas tonight and had….sparkling water! I will tell you though, it is like I knew. As I walked back from my Fremont Street experience, I could feel the awareness of being an unarmed woman, walking alone, and being vulnerable. PLUS, wearing flip flops (shin splints…ow.) However, I felt peace of mind. I knew I could be aware and keep going. So, as I neared the end of my “lonely” pilgrimage, I was feeling braver than ever. I knew well enough after they asked me if I was interested in a train, they probably were not really interested in my answer. My no, received a lower offer, and I stopped to quickly alert the lovely security officer nonchalantly. He did his best to hold them up, and I, keys in hand, heard the continuous whistles coming closer. As I got to my car, I didn’t even stop to breathe, straight into reverse. I am unwilling to be a victim. I am fiery. I have fight in me, a right to live, and dignity. So, the only trains I will be seeing are much larger and more suited for traveling. Someone called me brave last week at Mary Jane Falls. After tonight, I have to say I believe them.