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The Melting Pot

As flesh melts to flesh, skin on skin…
I lose track of where you end, and I
begin.
I lose track of pretty or ugly…fat or thin.
I lose myself to you, over and over again.
As your lips trace my hips, and your kiss dips, my hand grips the sheets around me, tearing them to strips…
Because God it feels so good right here, right now, with you beside me, inside me, over and under me.
I can feel the beat of our racing hearts thundering…
As the lightning crashes down around us, electricity in the air,
My hands searching mercilessly through your tangled hair
As I start to lose control, as I teeter on the edge of the ledge away from the dredge of the confines of my mind
The ones I have always hid behind…
Building a wall, unable to fall,
Into the deepest pool of all,
Where the Goddess inside bathes and lives….
Within the water of life that gives and gives
The water that quenches the fire of man’s desire, that can crush or inspire, the heart of humanity
Those moments of losing control and finding our sanity.

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The Father Daughter Dance Debacle

Lately Facebook has given me a peek into something I do not know. Friends often post pictures with their father, a birthday dinner or some other family occasion, but this post from a friend was a little different. It was a paper with a whole page of songs that her father had written down, name and artist, to choose from for their father daughter dance. A dance I do not think they shared, as he passed away. Witnessing the thought, diligence, and care put into this list brings tears to my eyes. Seeing the amount of love this man has for his daughter is incredible. The songs he chose were absolutely beautiful, and truly showed that he saw her as a precious gift from God that he was delighted to dance with. It moves me.

I will most likely walk down my own aisle alone, and I have learned to be content with that should the time ever come. I will not dance, but I will gratefully invite my, currently pretend, husband to please share a dance with his mother, to laugh, whisper memories, and the profound disbelief that she is giving her little boy to this woman because they both deserve it. We all deserve that dance. For some of us, it won’t happen. We may not have a father to do this for us. We may not even know what it is like to dance with our father. We may be strong in that moment knowing that we have done all we can for our highest good, and that dance, that walk, and that love simply were not meant for us. We may not be cherished by them, but we have learned to cherish ourselves. We have learned to accept the love we deserve, and we do our best to patch up the hole left behind.

I was afraid of that hole. I was willing to give up committing to a partner for life because I was afraid, not of marriage, but of disappointment. What if he didn’t show up? What if he doesn’t want to? What if she doesn’t want him to? What if it’s awkward? Should someone who doesn’t even know you give you away? What are they giving then? What do you say to each other while you’re dancing? All of these thoughts have absolutely nothing to do with choosing to love one person unconditionally for the rest of your life, but they clouded my view. Thankfully, knowing that there are such great men, such great fathers, gives me hope. My father has done many things for people. He is a helping hand to a lot of people. It has taken me a long time to realize, there is nothing I can do to make him choose to give me his time. He gives abundantly to whom he believes in, and that is to be respected. I respect him. I have just also learned to respect myself. I cannot expect someone who knows nothing about me to write a whole page of songs to dance with me, but that doesn’t make either one of us a lesser person. It is simply the life we are leading. I would be lying if I said it was not an almost daily decision not to cry or be angry about it anymore, to fully let it go, but I had two choices. I could spend the rest of my life reaching out to someone who doesn’t reach back or I could learn to patch up the hole.

I choose to cry happy tears when I see fathers and daughters happy and loving together. I choose to hope the heart of my lovely friend heals from losing the physical love of her lost parent. I choose to let the fact that this love exists, even if not for me, fill the hole. It is an unconditional and undying love. It is a gift. I hope you all cherish each moment with these men who see only love when they look at you. You are blessed more than I hope you ever know or find out.

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Sanctuary, I mean January…

Here we are, January 1, 2015. Looking back is something I do my best not to do too much of these days, but I find myself thinking about something today. Coming into 2014, I was in such a different place. I had moved to a new city that was my old speed. I was thankful to be there again. Yet, I was fearful for my life. Having read all of the articles that said teeth could lead to death, heart disease, and so many other things I felt desperate to fix them. I felt like a failure for being unable to come right back up from my accident. I had no car, no money, and no hope to recover my health. So, I determined that I would become a dancer when I moved back here. I would be a scantily clad companion/therapist for lonely men and women. It would save me, I kept telling myself. Nobody can help you, but you. Nobody has to do anything for you. Nobody owes you anything. You are the only person who has a reason to pay for this. You have to find a way. I was using thought processes meant to encourage to beat my soul into submission. I let my ego run rampant. Fear and desperation almost always lead to acting from our mind, not our heart. The thing is, I spent most all of my savings getting here. It would literally break me to invest in this job. I did it anyway. I didn’t want to die is all I could think. I wanted to be in charge. I wanted to save myself. I told my friends, some family, and Mom because I wasn’t ashamed. I was trying to be brave. I was trying to sacrifice my soul to gain back what I lost in the physical. I will say when a doctor tells you, you have a ticking time bomb in your mouth, you can go a little crazy. I still made a very conscious decision. I found a place, and I went into audition. I was shaking, positively vibrating with nerves. I got through it as a true novice, and even managed to be accepted. I started that night. It only took three shifts for my body to fill with dread. Other women may be able to thrive in this environment, but that is not my story. Thankfully, a kindred spirit did her best to help me, and in the end, unintentionally saved me from continuing to make a mistake. I had to put the fear of death and disease down. I had to accept that I was not where I wanted to be. I had to believe I could find a better way. That was December. Entering 2014, I put my faith in God and myself. I had hair to do, babies to sit, and I could pay all my bills. I am coming up on two years since the crash, and living with these teeth and no car has changed my perception so much. They have taught me how to face insecurity. They have taught me how to live, and to let go of the burdens of that which cannot be changed. I am more considerate, less judgmental, and more understanding. For this, I am extremely grateful. When I look back, and I remember how convinced I was, I do my best to apply it to my understanding of perception. We see what we need to see to survive our psyche, to win the war with fear or submit to it. I know I am less fearful for everyday I live this way. I know I am stronger. I still worry occasionally, but I can put it down now. Sometimes, the hardest things, the dumbest things, and the saddest things are what foster the best in us. They force us to choose who we are, and what we are willing to accept. They are what allow us to be accepting and unconditionally loving. It is the darkness that allows the light to shine after all. Coming in to 2015, I know I am willing to do healthy and positive things to continue on this path, to let things come together at the right speed, and to look at life in the moment because life isn’t worth it if you are afraid to live it.

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The Power of Self-Victimization

Some forms of ignorance simply cannot be swayed by facts. It is not our place to sway, but simply to continue to support life. If people feel victimized, we must leave them to their victimization for that is their reality. This is not to speak of the grief process accompanied by the affects of rape or assault, but intellectual and mental victimization of self. Until any human being recognizes that it is themselves alone that decide their fate, they are capable of delaying their own, and in that, humanity’s progress. Losing themselves in the idea that they are somehow owed something by someone who has nothing to do with the thing they feel victimized by.

To a person who has trapped themselves in the belief system that someone is against them, someone always will be because it is with the very belief that a person is seen as less than or that others believe them to be, that allows themselves to live a life creating that reality. A reality that in nature allows them to halt their own progress, live in fear and oppression, and expect others to somehow create the change that will fix all the problems that have been created. Only the individual person who sees and lives the problems can fix them. Only the individual person who believes they are owed a helping hand can help themselves. Should we all help each other up when we can? Of course, but compassion is not what this addresses. This is an appeal to personal individual accountability, a request to look beyond all that we see as wrong or different with everyone except ourselves, and to actually look within and find the greatness, power, and freedom that has been waiting there for anyone willing to let go of the constructs of entitlement, victimization, and fear.

True peace and the understanding of human equality waits within anyone willing to take down their own sense of what they are owed and move forward with a sense of all that can be had and achieved with positive intent, belief, and action/work to create it. We all face obstacles, challenges, violence, trauma, betrayal, and hardship regardless of any of the physical descriptions that encompass our spirit. We are challenged in our whole being to support and better ourselves as a whole, not because one part of us is a certain way. If we truly believe in what we deserve, focus on what we want to bring about, and leave behind the idea that we first must prove why we should have been handed the gold star first, we might actually move forward as a species beyond this idea that other people should change so that we can have what we want. We might realize that we are the only thing we can change to get what we want.

If we want to see things disappear we must stop talking them into existence. The more power we give to the things we do not want, the less power we have for what we actually long to create. Proponents for peace reflect peace in their lives. Proponents for ethical treatment of animal’s treat animals with the same compassion they have for humans, if not possibly more. Proponents for equality…..do they reflect a belief for equality in all? Do they represent humanity as a whole without reflecting a prejudice or oppression that is felt to exist only towards themselves?

This is where I believe we have somehow forgotten a step. If we truly want human equality, we should behave as equals. If we focus on what it is that any one sees as their plight, does that help to connect all of the people going through their own various hardship? If we came together with compassion for each other’s journeys, sharing with understanding that we all hurt, would we begin to see ourselves in each other? Would we begin to put down the idea that any one person is somehow more or less than another? If we shared our positives, ideas, victories, and personal desire to be better each day, would we feel more like an equal congregation representing consciousness, compassion, and true lasting understanding of oneness to create a world built on understanding and love? Would we even need to bring up equality if we simply lived it? Wouldn’t it just be something that is, like breathing, walking, working, loving, eating, or sleeping? We could all just understand that the person we see is a reflection of our own humanity, our struggle, and our desire to love and be loved.

No more and no less than everything and anything good or bad can happen to anyone regardless of their outside surroundings or perceptions. Why then do we somehow feel that it is “just us?” It never is, and we know that. How do we forget that every human being struggles and no one has a perfect life? Better yet, what can we do to remember who we really are? One great encompassing species of human’s doing their very best to live in a world that goes against the intrinsic desire to be loved, connected, and bonded to one another with respect for the freedom of choice. We are beings of love and light. We are comprised of more space than matter, as is all of our reality surrounding us.

We send out electromagnetic vibrations that we control through the heart, spirit, and mind. This is regardless of what makes up our body. We literally decide our lightness, or density. We decide what feelings we put out. If we give people the idea, we believe them to be superior, can we be angry with them for leading superior lives? We encouraged and believed they would do so. Each day, each moment, each breath we can create the reality we seek, or we can live in ignorance. Do not sway the ignorance, encourage the intentions of equality in peace. Leave behind the victims who cannot see that they are the help they first need, and move forward helping all you can on the path to their’s and your own highest good. Give of yourself, accept what serves, and walk away from that which does not.

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The Fremont Street Experience

I did my best to close out the feelings before I could express them…isn’t that the way? Otherwise, I will have to walk fully through it. I had nightmares about this exact type of man, or more accurately men, my whole life. I was always running from a man attacking me in my dreams….running running running yet finding no destination. No place to call home because i have been running from my own immortal soul. Tonight when these men became a reality I have seen be immensely shattering, I knew this was the moment I broke the cycle. I would not be intimidated, I would say NO, I would not like you three “gentleman” to run a train on me. Thank God for security, fast feet, and bravery. Thank God for releasing me from my mental slavery. Tonight has been the biggest surprise I have had in a long time. I read aloud to strangers my own internal rhyme. I released my rhythm, released my flow. Let go of some fear so I can start to grow. I cried as I read my words…Thankfully, with grace. Because I knew I was showing more than my face. I was showing my heart, my soul, on a sidewalk in front of people I don’t even know, and even as the tears fell I could feel my heart swell because HERE I AM….me queen of stage fright releasing one of my most intimate poems. Freeing myself in the process. I went to downtown Las Vegas tonight and had….sparkling water! I will tell you though, it is like I knew. As I walked back from my Fremont Street experience, I could feel the awareness of being an unarmed woman, walking alone, and being vulnerable. PLUS, wearing flip flops (shin splints…ow.) However, I felt peace of mind. I knew I could be aware and keep going. So, as I neared the end of my “lonely” pilgrimage, I was feeling braver than ever. I knew well enough after they asked me if I was interested in a train, they probably were not really interested in my answer. My no, received a lower offer, and I stopped to quickly alert the lovely security officer nonchalantly. He did his best to hold them up, and I, keys in hand, heard the continuous whistles coming closer. As I got to my car, I didn’t even stop to breathe, straight into reverse. I am unwilling to be a victim. I am fiery. I have fight in me, a right to live, and dignity. So, the only trains I will be seeing are much larger and more suited for traveling. Someone called me brave last week at Mary Jane Falls. After tonight, I have to say I believe them.

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It’s crazy to think how one moment, not even a second, one blip of the millions and billions of thoughts in a day can have such a profound impact. Whether it is self-doubt, anger, disappointment, anxiety, or thankfully for me, self-love. As I sit here today preparing to go and create beauty in the world with my craft, I closed my eyes and literally just thought over and over “Thank you, thank you, thank you…” Suddenly it hit me, that I really meant it from my soul, the core of my being.
Some people may be blessed enough to have always known that feeling. Still, others may be figuring out whether or not they know what that feeling really is. I was a person who didn’t know love. I didn’t understand, and of course I thought I did. I thought that I knew it all. I thought that I completely understood. I thought that life just happened, and that’s all there is. No more to see here folks, shows over. Yet even when I finally realized that wasn’t true, there was still so much work to do.
I was just beginning a journey, and while I am rising and still going through it, everyday I battle my “known.” That little voice of doubt, of destruction. The nay-sayer. Today, when I said thank you, and really felt it, I opened up to a place I am not sure I’ve ever known. I am thankful. Thankful everyday that I have been, am, and will be because truly no matter how much things change, people come and go, or we lose ourselves the act of being here is the gift of it all. Remembering that and keeping it in mind everyday, whether I was upset about other things or not, is teaching me to love. I am loving my life, this world, and all that is, it gets better. Thank you.

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Is This the Truth or is That?

What is truth? If I see a shirt and say it’s green and you say it’s turquoise…Am I a liar? I have been coming into some sudden and blunt realizations about truth. After a lot of pondering, I went directly to the source. Hello, dictionary.com. We meet again. As usual, looking up words in the dictionary proves to be ever more fascinating. Don’t believe me? Find the route cause of something that is bothering you and look up the word in the dictionary. I promise, you’ll be surprised at the insight you’ll find. Here’s mine:
Truth, it’s etymology is Middle English, coming from an old english word  for fidelity, and at it’s beginning faithful. Obviously then, it’s first definition is, fidelity or constancy. The funny thing about fidelity is that it is the quality or state of being, something that is ever changing, being placed next to the word constancy sounds a bit paradoxical doesn’t it?  Well it may sound that way, but it is actually possible to be practicing a state of constancy isn’t it? One must be steadfast of mind under duress. Oh, and we must also be unchanging. This was just the first, and archaic definition though. So I kept digging. Fidelity lead me to exactness, which lead me down the wormhole to it’s synonym, correct. Here we go folks, this is how one can be “correct.” We must MAKE or SET right, ALTER or ADJUST to bring to a standard, or to PUNISH, or point out. Now, I can feel you starting to wonder, “Why is this girl going on telling me the definitions of all these different words?” Well because in order to define truth, I think we must first define that which makes up it’s definition. After all, this is all about getting to the root of things. I could go on about how all the synonyms for correct are far different from that which most of us would answer, but I’ll save that for another day. 
Back to the truth, part b: sincerity in action, character, and utterance. So, if one is being sincere, they are being truthful then right? Well, sincerity is the act of being sincere. It is honesty of mind, and it is freedom from hypocrisy. The act of being sincere in this day in age would sort of require us to live just a bit outside the norm at this point wouldn’t? Hypocrisy is everywhere. Well, maybe then we can just be sincere. So to be sincere, we must be honest, pure, and true. According to the dictionary. At this point we must be sincere to be true, true to be sincere, completely unchanging, yet always adjusting and altering, and we haven’t even made it to the SECOND definition. 
I could go on forever through all of these words searching for the “truth” of the truth, but guess what the truth is indefinable. It is completely individual. When two people have different perceptions, they are not both lying. They are both sharing their truth. We tend to see difference in belief as a challenge to “who we are.” However, part of being strong in the self, is accepting that other people may not believe the same way that we do. We have all had different experiences, relationships, and lives that have developed our sense of cognitive reasoning.
It is truly a feat of socialization that we have come to a place where differences are what keep us apart instead of what bring us together. We focus so little on compassion, love, heart, beauty, and our truth that we get lost in the world of what makes me different. I have this and that. I take this. I was born here. Well, we were all born, and we will all die. These are two things that literally every life form can share together. Those are pretty huge similarities in the midst of it all. This is a transient place to rest our heads for awhile and ponder the ways of the world. We are within the infinite when we close our eyes. We have super computers to the billionth in our brain. We have capabilities that far exceed any technology we know today, and we focus on keeping everything….constant and unchanging.                                                                                                         Let’s start seeking our truth.Truth is ever unfolding. Truth is as evolving as we are. The reason it has become such a paradoxical explanation is because to truly define it we would have to tell the world that it’s okay to be in a constant state of evolution. That is also truth. It would create a sense of unity in that we are all in this journey together with core consciousness and the will to create our reality. This need to be separate would become unnecessary because we would see that was never really true in the first place. 
For today, I am learning to accept that my truth, my green and your truth, might be two different shades, but we are both seeing clearly. That is simply the nature of things.