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Sanctuary, I mean January…

Here we are, January 1, 2015. Looking back is something I do my best not to do too much of these days, but I find myself thinking about something today. Coming into 2014, I was in such a different place. I had moved to a new city that was my old speed. I was thankful to be there again. Yet, I was fearful for my life. Having read all of the articles that said teeth could lead to death, heart disease, and so many other things I felt desperate to fix them. I felt like a failure for being unable to come right back up from my accident. I had no car, no money, and no hope to recover my health. So, I determined that I would become a dancer when I moved back here. I would be a scantily clad companion/therapist for lonely men and women. It would save me, I kept telling myself. Nobody can help you, but you. Nobody has to do anything for you. Nobody owes you anything. You are the only person who has a reason to pay for this. You have to find a way. I was using thought processes meant to encourage to beat my soul into submission. I let my ego run rampant. Fear and desperation almost always lead to acting from our mind, not our heart. The thing is, I spent most all of my savings getting here. It would literally break me to invest in this job. I did it anyway. I didn’t want to die is all I could think. I wanted to be in charge. I wanted to save myself. I told my friends, some family, and Mom because I wasn’t ashamed. I was trying to be brave. I was trying to sacrifice my soul to gain back what I lost in the physical. I will say when a doctor tells you, you have a ticking time bomb in your mouth, you can go a little crazy. I still made a very conscious decision. I found a place, and I went into audition. I was shaking, positively vibrating with nerves. I got through it as a true novice, and even managed to be accepted. I started that night. It only took three shifts for my body to fill with dread. Other women may be able to thrive in this environment, but that is not my story. Thankfully, a kindred spirit did her best to help me, and in the end, unintentionally saved me from continuing to make a mistake. I had to put the fear of death and disease down. I had to accept that I was not where I wanted to be. I had to believe I could find a better way. That was December. Entering 2014, I put my faith in God and myself. I had hair to do, babies to sit, and I could pay all my bills. I am coming up on two years since the crash, and living with these teeth and no car has changed my perception so much. They have taught me how to face insecurity. They have taught me how to live, and to let go of the burdens of that which cannot be changed. I am more considerate, less judgmental, and more understanding. For this, I am extremely grateful. When I look back, and I remember how convinced I was, I do my best to apply it to my understanding of perception. We see what we need to see to survive our psyche, to win the war with fear or submit to it. I know I am less fearful for everyday I live this way. I know I am stronger. I still worry occasionally, but I can put it down now. Sometimes, the hardest things, the dumbest things, and the saddest things are what foster the best in us. They force us to choose who we are, and what we are willing to accept. They are what allow us to be accepting and unconditionally loving. It is the darkness that allows the light to shine after all. Coming in to 2015, I know I am willing to do healthy and positive things to continue on this path, to let things come together at the right speed, and to look at life in the moment because life isn’t worth it if you are afraid to live it.

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Bye Facebook

I have so much to say and yet have no words.
So many variables in life its absurd.
What is that you heard? That I fly free like a bird?
More like chained to the earth grounded in discontent.
Unhappy with humanity lets escape to heaven sent let this mortality be spent forget about debt. No more bills no more rent.
Simply a consciousness, an awareness, a being.
Wouldn’t that be so entirely freeing? We could flow, float, and flee away from these binds of gravity.
Lets return to something heavenly.
An existence we know only in the minds eye, an existence that goes far beyond the bluest sky, an existence we know does not lie.
Does not judge, doesn’t not categorize.
Free of duality, this good and bad fantasy because it really all just is.
Yes it really is just now.
There is only perception to explain the how, the what, the where, and when.
Since when you really think about it, how did time begin?
What is this all anyway?
It’s only what we have all agreed to say,
That it is and its this and that’s all that there is.
Yet it could be so much more, it could be an open door, into the next horizon, into another crazy sky.
It could be there is no answer to the how when where and why.
Is that what heaven is?
An eternal bliss of knowing there’s no answer, of knowing there’s no secret,
That you simply agree to breathe and be it…
Whatever it is, that’s what we defined,
Inside our ever curious expanding mind
That is the essence the core the root the glory
The ever common part of this beautiful changing story.
So while humanity may cause grief, sorrow, and a bit of trouble…
We are coming away from all the rubble, the destruction, the lies.
Slowly but surely we are coming to realize there is more to life, than to judge and criticize.
We are embracing the notion of kindness and peace.
What a beautiful, sweet, heavenly release.

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The Devil’s Advocate

They move in darkness and believe in it too. Motivated by a need to see others as insecure and fearful as themselves. One can fight a devil’s advocate, but not for long. As they use emotions, and not logic, to pinpoint our weaknesses. They use a soft tone that makes one feel as though they can’t scream loud enough. They use sharp words to make one feel dull. Before one knows it they are feeling the pressure of anger building behind the bones in their face like water rushing through a creek. It is funny because this pressure is quite literally becoming unusual. Why wouldn’t it since the bones can barely take the pressure of daily existence, let alone the unnecessary added pressure of anger.
Anger is toxic. It’s as toxic as the drinks and smokes a devil’s advocate consumes to help them feel internal balances, never realizing the answer is pure joy inside of themselves and, not these toxic outer hindrances, that actually bring peace of mind. It’s the bliss of consciousness that actually builds strength in the face of fear and not hiding behind various realms of possibility.
It is unfortunate to think a devil’a advocate could be anywhere. It’s even sadder to think they could be you. We all have that place in ourselves that is dark and menacing. The place that says the quiet things that no one ever knows. However, why would we play advocate for bringing those thoughts to the surface? Ought we not to encourage one another to move forward in love and light? Do we not want better for those who come after us?
Should one let another go blindly into shit? No, probably not. However, it is only the devil’s advocate who sees that in the future. Creatures who see light, love, opportunity, and abundance see faith, perseverance, humility, and gratitude as their allies in the ability to create the future desires of their mind. Having goals that are specific is important, but at the end of the day if we don’t believe in ourselves and have faith in humanity how can we expect to find the life we want? If we don’t believe there is good in the world, how can we ever expect to find it?
Honestly, we are all connected to one another, and we are all an expression of the perception we create. Today, I am finding that creating a perception based on mindfulness, meditation, love, light, and faith may just scare many people. It is a journey to fearlessness that I am on. I want only to be the kind of person I want my child to be. Independent, confident, strong, vibrant, with a good heart, soul, mind, and spirit. I want him to go into the world with big dreams and an absolute belief he can and will succeed. I want him to believe he can do anything. So, how then, can I do anything less?
I promise today and everyday to believe in love, unity, peace, freedom, light, and the power we all have within. I will fight everyday for my life’s purpose. I will only be stronger for every devil’s advocate who chooses to live in the dark. Hopefully, one day, we can see each other in the light. I choose to accept that I may not be “smart” enough in your eyes, to accept that you will question my dreams, and to forgive you and love you anyway. Because what you think of me and my life is none of my business. I am my soul and I am living in love. I am at peace. I am.
Thanks for listening and safe journeys.

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Paralyzed With Intent

Facial paralysis. I’ve been at it for days. I find some magic opening sentence to start this, but truly the answer is, facial paralysis. Here’s the interesting thing about it, our brain forgets our face is there. Yet, we will still see it in the mirror. I have been finding myself continually curious about this because before I could start to feel the itches and stings of my nerves awakening, I had no clue that was going on.
My face was there, I could see it, and that was enough. I didn’t notice, when the first twitches came, that I covered my face with my left hand, but the more I did, I realized it was because my left brain couldn’t feel the right side of my face and just figured I must want to cover the left. Now, here’s what got me, I’d still cover my right side though. I believe this is because that was my true intent. Which made me think…just how powerful is intent?
Of course, to many of us, we have read, watched, and listened to many different perspectives on creating our reality and the power of our thoughts. I am sure I heard people use the word intent, but I don’t think I completely understood the significance behind it. I was placing it in the same category as our thoughts, mindset, and emotions. However, intent is very much a being of its own.
Our intent is our truth. It is what creates the surrounding energy in the world around us. Our circumstances draw from it, whether we are aware or not.
Sometimes, we are at odds with ourself. I believe it is the fight for intention between the mind and the soulful self. We want to be of light, love, and peace. Who doesn’t want to feel complete bliss? Our societal expectations of life have allowed us to find more discomfort in trusting ourselves than questioning our own being. The fear in us is encouraged to grow, but the individuality is not. Conformity is the general comfort zone. That’s why one can even be thankful for facial paralysis. It is an expression, not only of intent, but of forced individualism. People notice when your face doesn’t move, but the funny thing is, it helped me stop worrying about other people’s intent. It helps me realize that it is my own intent that is my only concern.
It is the strangest thing, realization. It comes mostly in times of pain and suffering, but it doesn’t have to. If we intend to continue to see with clarity, and if we believe each day to be another realIzation of light and love in the universe, that is what we will see. It reminds me, it may not always be easy, but it’s simple. Intend for the best and believe you deserve it, and I will too. Safe journeys and thanks for listening.

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The Path to Self-Construction

The path to self construction, it is similar to the path of self destruction in that we are the only ones in charge of making it happen. There is no sure fire way to become some perfect vision of who you want to be, but there is a conscious decision to be thankful for everything you have already been and will become. We are so blessed in our conscious thought. It is a powerful tool in teaching us how to be. Not to be anything, just to be.
When we give ourselves time, it can feel selfish. It can create a distrust in ourselves as to whether we should be here now or doing something else. Is there something better we should be doing? The best way to answer that is, if there was that is what you’d be doing. We can question ourselves incessantly, hoping to find the answers to all the open-ended constantly evolving perceptions of thought, or we can choose to live life now. We can be here now, and do what we know. It ill not always be perfect, and it will come with challenges and “mistakes,” but that is what allows us to grow. If we never felt pain, how would we know joy?
That is my focus now, feeling the pain. I don’t want to hold it inside me, and let it show itself in my actions. I want to feel it inside of me quaking my nerves and sending my heart racing because when I do calm…..it will be because I’m actually letting go and not holding in. I will actually be content with the mishaps of life because I don’t push them aside and pretend they’re not there. We are all fully capable of being accountable to our pain the same way we can be accountable to our family, job, and everything else. We can’t hide from the hurt. It will find us. When it does it will have been carrying the weight of itself just as long as you have,and it will be tired. It will send that weight crashing down onto you with a force of something “unrelated.”
These weights will continue to build on top of each other, leaving us with nothing but a vague awareness that something is not right. Slowly as our self and soul begin to crush under the weight of unresolved pain, we become more aware of the uneasy feelings inside. Is it depression? Anxiety? Am I just tired or hungry? The mark of a great sufferer is the ability to be aware of internal pain. The search for the root of it inevitably only leads to more what if’s. Until, we can be honest. Once we honestly let the pain in, we can suffer and move forward. Life is a daly struggle, but only if we forget to be thankful for every blessing there is. Just waking up today can be enough. For me, today I’m thankful that I can almost just drink out of a bottle, that I’m starting to be able to use silverware again, and I can almost enjoy laying on my side. Think about it, every inhale we get is gift. Every act is an accomplishment.
The power behind the act of being born and being alive is almost unbelievable in it’s ability to be miraculous. We get to be here, we get to know we are here, and we get to choose what we do with that. We are blessed to spend our lives not seeking protection from death, but figuring out the best way we want to live! Enjoy it! There is little else more important in this world than time. It is non-negotiable. I almost spent all mine, but luckily, I still had credit in my account. That s why I’m here today. So don’t be afraid to be thankful or humble for the littlest things. After all, it’s got to grow from somewhere right? In this life we have many paths, do we choose to construct or destruct? I choose to build. Safe travels and thanks for listening!

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The Fruits of Our Labor

Rain. Yesterday, my town had a huge fireworks show set to rock music. It is a tradition that goes back, for how long I am unsure. Nothing has ever stopped it, and people wondered this year, for the first time ever, if the threat of torrential downpour would. The radio station promised its show, no matter the weather.
Two friends and I headed down with no real plan, but to experience the intensity that is people coming together, flooding the streets, and just doing. I was of course, stoked. Albeit slightly nervous, as currently I am without windshield wipers. However we let life go where it will and we went along with it. The rain hit and people were everywhere. It was pouring and everyone was running for cover. I’m sure many people left, but I was overjoyed at how many people stayed. That tradition, that sureness, it kept a community together. It sent people out strolling in the rain. Running, jumping, and of course ducked and covered in tiny dry spots outside. The rain created a sense of freedom from the constraints of normal society and created that lighthearted feeling we got as kids on rainy days at school.
We got to watch the fireworks going off drenched, laughing, yelling, and carefree. I finally knew what it meant to feel infinite.
To me, that is grace. The beauty in those moments. The new friends, the freedom to just completely let go and be. Bliss is all around. Faith is unceasing. We are all here to experience these moments, to evolve and grow. It’s a magical gift that has little to do with money or other luxuries, but everything to do with our perception. Today and everyday I thank you for listening, and safe journeys.

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Terrifyingly Amazing

Tonight I’m so happy, it’s almost scary. It’s not even just tonight, it’s almost always. Of course, there are moments of frustration, cloudiness, and suffering, but somehow in all of those moments there is a brightness. A light that shines through saying “It’s all good.” Something inside my perspective has shifted, and thankful doesn’t even begin to explain my gratitude.
One of my favorite things to offer as insight is, it’s simple. Maybe it’s not easy, but it’s simple. When it comes to relationships, career, family, and the self….it’s not supposed to be hard. There are times of challenge, times of growth, and moments of realization. These are not the things that make life hard. Although, certainly they may cause suffering. We can always remember that without suffering, what is bliss? What is joy? Without pain, how would we be connected to the humanly embodiment of our soul?
I guess that is what is terrifying and amazing about this new set of eyes. It’s a gift and a curse, just as the Tao would have it I suppose. It’s absolutely invigorating to truly live in the seat of observance. To recognize those moments of emotional turmoil and meet them calmly, is something the lost girl that once lived inside me can only be proud of.
Tonight, I’m so happy, and I hope you are too. Close your eyes, smile, and remind yourself I’m alive I can do this. We all can. Thanks for listening and safe journeys.