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Throwback to now.

It is amazing to me the knowledge we carry around, remember, and forget constantly. I wrote this two years ago, but it is true to my life even now. I have grown a lot in self love, confidence, and peace. Yet, it is still a message I needed to hear again.

When people have spoken to me about the merits of a clean conscience and all the meaning of it, I never did have any idea what they meant. I naturally tended to act of my own will and chose to believe that was not an unkindness to others. Ive done my best to not do wrong by anyone else. I did not include myself in that anthology, however. I chose to walk the right path, but always lead by other people. In the end finding myself wandering alone wondering how I could be so disconnected, so closed. What is it inside me? I’d always find that little voice thinking. How did that happen? Eventually I let myself reach a place of awareness. This place lead me to seeing that things didn’t just happen. I began to see that life is quilted together. The squares, the choices we and the people around us make. I began to feel a sense of power, the ability to be useful, important, to account for myself the choices I make. Now, I’d love to say that was it. After that, my life only went up, happily ever after, and all those easy outs. However, I have become so aware of that power, that independence. I find myself craving it like an addict. How do I control this? Push it down a little I thought. That voice in my head telling me I could just cheat a little on my clean eating. Forget about running for a few days, my muscles are achy and I’m not feeling well. Stay up a little later, watch tv this one time. Slowly all of the constraints of my former anxiety were hitting me. I found myself suffocating in a sea of justifications. Life can be stifling and I was bowing my head. Rebelling while kneeling compliantly to the throne. Tumultuous and fiery we could never actually agree on anything. Unless that is, the ridiculousness that was our relationship. So, the little voice, it’s popping up more and more with thoughts I’m not accepting, but I’m hearing it. I’m listening. When one is used to living low, it’s easy to fall down. It’s comfortably miserable there. Let’s face it. We’ve all been there before. Givng ourselves pep talks, thinking ourselves through life, and what does that all mean? Obviously, it’s a quick route to a lethargic lifestyle. That’s where I found myself today. Lethargic, empty, and lost. Thankfully, I read my body, watched the signal, felt my breath, and told the little voice to shut up. I’m back on my journey to lightness. I am going to push through. I can figure this out. I just need to be conscious. I need to live, be open, and stay conscious. Every moment is a chance to be loving. Is your heart open or closed?