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Sanctuary, I mean January…

Here we are, January 1, 2015. Looking back is something I do my best not to do too much of these days, but I find myself thinking about something today. Coming into 2014, I was in such a different place. I had moved to a new city that was my old speed. I was thankful to be there again. Yet, I was fearful for my life. Having read all of the articles that said teeth could lead to death, heart disease, and so many other things I felt desperate to fix them. I felt like a failure for being unable to come right back up from my accident. I had no car, no money, and no hope to recover my health. So, I determined that I would become a dancer when I moved back here. I would be a scantily clad companion/therapist for lonely men and women. It would save me, I kept telling myself. Nobody can help you, but you. Nobody has to do anything for you. Nobody owes you anything. You are the only person who has a reason to pay for this. You have to find a way. I was using thought processes meant to encourage to beat my soul into submission. I let my ego run rampant. Fear and desperation almost always lead to acting from our mind, not our heart. The thing is, I spent most all of my savings getting here. It would literally break me to invest in this job. I did it anyway. I didn’t want to die is all I could think. I wanted to be in charge. I wanted to save myself. I told my friends, some family, and Mom because I wasn’t ashamed. I was trying to be brave. I was trying to sacrifice my soul to gain back what I lost in the physical. I will say when a doctor tells you, you have a ticking time bomb in your mouth, you can go a little crazy. I still made a very conscious decision. I found a place, and I went into audition. I was shaking, positively vibrating with nerves. I got through it as a true novice, and even managed to be accepted. I started that night. It only took three shifts for my body to fill with dread. Other women may be able to thrive in this environment, but that is not my story. Thankfully, a kindred spirit did her best to help me, and in the end, unintentionally saved me from continuing to make a mistake. I had to put the fear of death and disease down. I had to accept that I was not where I wanted to be. I had to believe I could find a better way. That was December. Entering 2014, I put my faith in God and myself. I had hair to do, babies to sit, and I could pay all my bills. I am coming up on two years since the crash, and living with these teeth and no car has changed my perception so much. They have taught me how to face insecurity. They have taught me how to live, and to let go of the burdens of that which cannot be changed. I am more considerate, less judgmental, and more understanding. For this, I am extremely grateful. When I look back, and I remember how convinced I was, I do my best to apply it to my understanding of perception. We see what we need to see to survive our psyche, to win the war with fear or submit to it. I know I am less fearful for everyday I live this way. I know I am stronger. I still worry occasionally, but I can put it down now. Sometimes, the hardest things, the dumbest things, and the saddest things are what foster the best in us. They force us to choose who we are, and what we are willing to accept. They are what allow us to be accepting and unconditionally loving. It is the darkness that allows the light to shine after all. Coming in to 2015, I know I am willing to do healthy and positive things to continue on this path, to let things come together at the right speed, and to look at life in the moment because life isn’t worth it if you are afraid to live it.

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Feelings: The Sixth Sense?

Senses, for all of our developmental years, we are taught that we have merely five. That we can see with our eyes, hear with our ears, taste with our mouths, and touch with our hands. Now, lately i find myself debating these facts. Are those truly the only five senses we have and develop? Many people would say, obviously not. However, they can’t tell you exactly what the magic “sixth sense” is. We will hear words like ESP, subtle senses, and intuition. However, that is not a developed trait that all human beings feature. Feelings, however are everywhere and always.

Feelings, I have been doing a lot of research on feelings and what they “are.” In my mind, though, they are another sense. A sense of the body and the constant energetic shifts it is going through. Feelings are our navigational tool to promote self-realization and understanding. Without feelings, we would only know the logic-base of being alive. Feelings are definitely a sense of the organ of the brain. Without which the neurotransmitters and chemical reactions that we know as “emotional reactions,” would not exist. It is only though, with the conscious realization that we control our reaction to things, that frees us from our emotions. We are not enslaved to these chemical reactions, just as we are not enslaved by our allergies.

Yes, we may have malfunctions such as pink eye, runny nose, burned tongues, or clogged ears, but we are aware of the malfunction and we operate outside of our discomfort. Can we say the same of our emotions? Do we recognize that there is always the possibility that an emotional reaction is just a bit of a malfunction and not quite within the comfort of “who we are?” It is said that feelings can be measured in direct proportion to how much we like or dislike something. It is a correlation of the mind then, and not the mind itself which creates feelings. Our brain is able to fix upon a particular object, thought, shape, color, pattern, or really anything and decide like or dislike. Once, that happens depending on the external consciousness around us, we find ourselves developing certain feelings about these seemingly inconsequential moments of now. Therein, these reactions of emotions are then varied depending on the function of the brain and the external world around us. Could we not then infer that our feelings are a sense that we use to help navigate emotional distress and elation? I believe that if we look at the logic pattern of subconscious, conscious, choice, emotion, feeling, and realization we can see that feeling is what makes sense of the interaction.

If we were to openly see feeling as a separate sense that can be developed, we would learn that emotions are tricky. We would be able to understand that our subconscious takes in things at a rate faster than our waking state, and that is what creates conscious decision making. Knowing that, how could we not then see that the emotions that stem from that choice are purely a reaction to the choice itself? With all of this information, I think it is simple to find ourselves seeing even more clearly that feelings than, are the sense that give us pause from the instantaneous chemical response to choice and it’s externalization in our consciousness. We can begin to learn to develop out of cognitive dissonance, and the emotional reactions of disbelief, offense, anxiety, and fear. We are just not as developed in our sensory ability to manifest the emotions into feelings of faith, trust, and love. This is an ability that any human brain has the ability to function through given meditation, yoga, good nutrition, support, and love. It is interesting that we seem to be so engulfed by our emotions. We call them disorders, imbalances, and other superficial terms that only serve to gloss over the shallow surface. Where is the depth?

We understand now that the brain is capable of so much more than what we have previously given credit to, and in accepting that knowledge I hope we can begin to foster our feelings into those of success. We are the creators, the ones who manifest, we are the feelers of the Universe. That is our humanity. We are emotional, we feel, we touch, we see, we hear, we taste, and we are aware of it all. Let’s open ourselves to the idea that feeling is natural, but we are not powerless over it. Let’s look our emotions down to their roots, and let’s manifest something better. We are powerful beyond measure, and we are not just our mind, emotions, heart, or body. We are all of that manifested together into the conscious energetic field of life. This is our sixth sense, to feel.

How many more have you discovered?

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Sitting in a Used bookstore

I’m sitting On the floor in the children’s section of the used bookstore. Elvis “Don’t Be Cruel” is playing, and I’ve just finished reading the scholastic classic, “Stone Soup.” I felt a twinge of excitement, this felt familiar. Peeking out at me, loosened from the previous book I had pulled.
So I picked it up and began reading. Adults, teenagers, and children everywhere could find something wise in this beautifully simple journey to find happiness where there is little or none. It’s amazing the gifts we start finding when our minds and our spirits are open. To know that I loved this as a child, reminds me, we all start that way. Sharing, growing, learning, and loving, it’s the true human nature.
Letting these natural feelings of contentment be visible to the world has definitely been a decision every moment, but it’s becoming more natural. Today, for the first time in a long time I walked into an interview, confident in who I am. Not who I’m going to be, not who I should be, or what I could be, but just exactly who I am. I’m thankful to the universe for this moment and every moment. Who knew life was so amazing?
Thanks for listening and safe journeys.